Saturday, October 17, 2020

Late night thoughts

 I was trying to finish the work that is long overdue right now. 

The unfinished bothersome works that made me feel not at ease.

The unfinished bothersome works that made me feel embarrassed and want to run away whenever I meet the boss as I know I still owe him the work

The unfinished bothersome work that can be done if I can just stay focus and finally do it.

But here I am, out of nowhere, appearing in my old blog after a thousand of years.

I am still amazed I still remembered the password, I guess it is meant to be.

I guess I just to let it out. That unsettled feeling that I have been having lately. Writing has always helped me to put things into a perspective so maybe I should write about it here. Afterall, who reads blog anymore, right? Right. So hopefully I wont be judged. And pitied, especially pitied. As I really hate this

You see, my life took a turn for the worse on the 31st of August. Just the previous night, my mom was talking about how excited she is to come to Taiping to celebrate her 1st granddaughter's (my daughter) birthday party. We were planning for a small family gathering, from both side of the family (mine and my husband's). Later at night, mom even whatsapped us, asking if we want to go to a dim sum place for breakfast. 

That's why the next day I was all ready to go breakfast with the whole family only to find out that my mom was not well and she asked us to go, without her. She said her stomach is bothering her, and I can see from the look of her face that she was really in pain. But she passed it off as gas, saying that it will go away.

When we were back from our breakfast (we ended up just going to a nearby mamak), my husband noticed that my mom was really in pain and he insisted bringing mom to the clinic. The doctor asked her to go to a hospital instead, suspecting it was appendicitis. So my husband brought her to SJMC. Because we were going back to Taiping in the evening, my mom asked my husband to go home 1st while she waited with my sister.

I was worried but I thought nothing much about it as I thought it was really her apendics. I had just finished my Zohor prayer and was about to start packing for our journey back when my husband entered the room and said "The doctor said it might be cancer. But they need to do scan to confirm".

I couldnt believe what I heard. "What? Biar betul?"

My heart was beating fast. My mind was everywhere. And I prayed that it wont be true. Please dont be true.

I was thinking of staying and not going back but my husband advise against it. After all, nothing is confirmed yet. And isnt it better to save the leave for when I really need it?, he reasoned. And I had to agree although my mind and my heart was no longer at ease.

We go and meet mom at the emergency room before we went back to Taiping where she cant barely whisper her goodbye. It was heartbreaking. I cried almost all the way on my journey back to Taiping. All I can think of were all the unnecessary fights I had with her. In the car, I even made a nazar to fast a week if Mama is not diagnosed with cancer. I even fasted the next day, because I know the prayer of those who are fasting is easily answered.

But Allah has better plans. He always has. Even not in the way we can understand. Even when His plans sometimes feel like a punishment. Even when you have to push yourself to believe that He gives you tests because He loves you, and He wants to elevate your ranks. 

My prayer was not answered this time. Mama was diagnosed with colon cancer. Stage 4.

I was at school when I received the news. Imagine, how could I stay calm when I just heard the worst news of my life. How could I still teach and act professionally at this time?

I couldnt. I dont want my colleagues to see my tears. I could feel that I was about to breakdown. So I ran back home where the flood of tears break free. Where everything in the house reminded of my mom who had visited me just 2 weeks prior just to help me care for my sick child. The onions, which we bought because she insisted to cook for us. The batu lesung that she used while holding my daughter who refused to let go of her, the room that she used with my sister. Everything, anything can be a trigger. I was a wreck. I felt like driving back there and then. I couldnt. Because I have a small daughter now who relies on me.

It's amazing how one's life can change in the blink of an eye. Really. It can really change so fast it knocks you out of breath. We are weak humans after all. We are not invincible. We think we have everything figured out. We plan for next week,  next month or the next year. Without realizing that tomorrow might not be promised to us after all.

Please pray that my mom will stay strong and Allah will grant her syifa'. He is the Healer afterall and there is nothing that He could not do. Nothing at all.

Ya Allah, please allow me more time to be with my mom. Please heal her from cancer 100% and dont let it come back. Please let us be a more thankful servants to You. Please let us be a better servants for you and make us stronger in Iman for this ordeal. Ameen ya rabbal alameen

Insyallah to be continued, maybe

Monday, December 19, 2016

Because I dont want to forget this (part 1)

Assalamualaikumwarahmatullahiwabarokatuh (amik mood baru balik mekah)
So it's been exactly a week since I came back to Malaysia after performing umrah with my parents. 

Suka sangat sampai gelak tak ingat dunia hehe

To be honest, since then, Ive been in a state of normlessness. I mean I was in Madinah and Mecca for almost 2 weeks, where everyday is packed with spiritual activities, walking a lot (the distance from our hotel to the masjeed was quite far, im glad i have gained some stamina from my hiking activities), shopping in between, sleeping early as we also woke up very early (at 3 a.m almost everyday) to suddenly having too much time for my own good at home not knowing what to do. To make it worse, I am having that time of the month where I cant pray. So it's kind of a drastic change for me. I feel weird. Too guilty to start watching Korean drama, I resulted just to read novels and even doing that doesnt make me feel good. I am missing that feeling I felt when I was there, but I just dont know what to do about it.

Now apart from NZ, this would also be the place I will always be missing

So here I am today, I guess it's time for me to blog about my experience. Not just for anybody, more than that it is for my own reminder. Of how lucky I was to get that experience, to be invited, to be there.

The trip that almost didnt happen

Memang, sekarang ni kita tengok orang pergi umrah macam siapa siapa pun boleh pergi kan. And compared to doing Hajj, people are more willing to do umrah and apart from it's cheaper, shorter and easier, I think people are more happy to go umrah is because there are less scary story about "Allah's retribution" to our sins during umrah. Padahal kita ni dah banyak sangat disogokkan dengan cerita cerita mastika kann?? Padahal kalau Allah nak kasi balasan anytime je. Haji ke Umrah ke. Kat Mekah ke kat Malaysia ke. Kan kat mana mana pun bumi Allah juga?  But I digress. Let's get back to being invited again. Yes, it's not Hajj, it's just Umrah but it is still an invitation by Allah nevertheless. If you think just anyone can go as long as they have money, you are wrong. And even when you think it's impossible for you to go in your current condition, if Allah wills for you to go, you will still get to go, against all odds. 

And I think that is what happened to me. Ive been having a dream to go there since i was still in school. And that feeling intensify when I was in Uni. But when Saudi Arabia decided to implement the rules where young women need to be accompanied by only their closest mahram (either husband, father, brother or uncle (cannot tumpang) my dream kind of shattered. Yela, nak harap pergi dengan husband entah bila nak jumpa husbandnya. Nak pergi dengan ayah, ayah has already performed his Hajj and umrah a few times, I dont think he has the need to do it again any time soon, nak pergi dengan brother, brother belajar pun x abes lagi and I cant afford to pay for him yet. So imagined my surprise when out of a sudden my dad suddenly asked me if I would like to perform umrah like around 2 months ago, of course I said YESS. I felt as if one of the prayers ive said during ramadhan, or maybe the prayer I requested from an ustaz performing the hajj has been answered, I couldnt be more grateful. Me? This person who has sinned a lot. Who at times focused more on worldly pleasured than the afterlife. Who slacks a lot. I was humbled really humbled by the opportunity to go there.

But even then I still feel scared that I dont get to go so I dont really tell about it to lots of people. I do all the things that need to be done to attain a visa, bought some tudung and telekung but im still too scared to be excited about it. Because I know this is an invitation by Allah, and He can cancel it anytime if He wants to. And then guess what happens? The date when we're supposed to fly got postponed. From 26th Nov to 29th. Ok that is still ok. We're still going anyway right? I should be patient although in my heart I felt a little bit uneasy. And guess what, on the evening on the 28th we got to know that there are some problems with our flight arrangement and we are being postponed to other dates indefinitely. My mum told me that if the date is later than 1st Dec than we have to cancel because my mom have some urgent matters she needs to attend to that cant be postponed.

 That was when I really cried. I was bawling my eyes out to be exact. Sobbing, I was asking my mom "Sarah tak dapat pergi sebab sarah banyak dosa ke ma?", while regretting what Ive been doing in the previous weeks leading to the day. Yela banyak kali cuba puasa instagram. Ive uninstalled it many times but and then it only lasted for one day before I installed it again. huhuu i guess i have a very poor self control. My mom in her attempt to make me feel better told me that it would be better to go next year, so we can bring my other sister, Amy, along. But in my head I was screaming "next year?? next year is sooo far away. I might even die before i get to go!!"

This is what i am talking about when I said going there is an invitation. No matter how close you are to going, if Allah doesnt permit it to happen, it is not going to happen..

(to be continued...)

Saturday, November 5, 2016

Hey old fren

Its funny how your old life can out of nowhere snuck on you
All this while youve moved on
You dont even think about that person anymore
And suddenly bamm it all comes back to you like a bullet train
You found yourself scavenging for old letters, old emails, old mementos
Just to reenact that feelings
On how happy u were
On how you treasured u feel
On how relief when youre being listened to
When you once again read the words

And then comes the aftermath
When you realize you can never reach out to them anymore
When u realize what you have is gone for good
When u realize what you had was special but u didnt appreciate it enough while it lasts
Its heartbreaking

I'll let myself walk down the memory lane
This one time
Just for today
Before i move on
Once again

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Sometimes it comes back to you

Just when you thought you are all okay and getting better
That feeling comes back and hit you in the gut like nothing else
You wish to run away
But you cant
You wish to be the bigger person and choose to be happy even when that happiness is about others
But youre stuck in your own pit you cant look at others but your pain

And when you cant really share it to anyone
Because you've somehow lost people who can understand
Who can relate
You're stuck even more

But that is the best time where you weep to The One
Who would understand
Who is the only one who can elevate the pain
Who will stay
Who wont run away
Who ultimately has the key to the doors of solutions

I wish i could just disappear
Into thin air
Without a trace
Without a shadow
So i wont feel the pain anymore

But i know
The pain, like anything else that comes from The One
Is meant to be there for a reason
And even when i dont understand the reason
I understand His love and His mercy
He is not doing it to torture me
He is doing it to teach
To bring out a better stronger me
Even when at times (many) i feel like im breaking into pieces

I have faith in Your plan for me
And even when im sad, knowing that you will not burden me more than I could bear is a consolation enough
For me to be patient, to stay resilient

Because you know
You'll always know me better than anyone else
Because you're closer to me than my jugular vein

Tuesday, May 24, 2016

Easier said than done

Allah promises that He will not burden you more than you could shoulder,

but still,

that doesnt make the burden any lighter.

Hoping and praying for strength and continuous faith

Sunday, January 24, 2016

If only

Lately, i have found myself wishing I could change things that has already happened
I have been saying 'if only' more and more

Which is bad
Because ive heard once how the word 'if' is actually the devil's trick to make you become ungrateful, to make you waste your time to dwell on something useless, to make you blame fate

Ya Allah
Please guide my heart
Please dont leave me astray
Keep me among those who you guide

Please dont let me want the wrong things


Saturday, January 23, 2016

Sarah si mak supir

Picking up sofea from her art class
Decided to come back home because of the three days break just to an empty house
Well, not really empty tp hampirlah
Mom is in Lombok, Indonesia, for her work place's team building session
Ayah is not around this week
Amy went to Ipoh for her friend's wedding
Atie is going out with her friend
Amir is home tp sama je ada ke xde as he will wake up late and then will be stuck in front of the computer playing games
Sofea has tuition and art class

Which means I am the mak supir of the day, sending and fetching up sofea to her classes.

And doing this for the whole day, go out to send her and then come home and then wait until its time to pick her up again-I dont know how mothers do it without complaining, because although its not difficult, but doing the same thing over and over again week in and week out-it's boringggg (plus sbb xde orang and xde aktiviti nk buat kat rumah kut today)
And I guess thats the difference between a mom and everyone else,they do things so selflessly it seemed so effortless until you have to replace her doing the tasks, and then u know.

Sama juga, I used to ask my mom to come visit me back when I was in boarding school in Sabak Bernam if possible every weekend with the stupidest excuses (like biskut abes, pdhal orang lain boleh je gi outing beli sendiri, rindu la, homesick la). And my mom would try her best to come. And she did this all on her own, because my dad worked in Sudan at that time. She would drive all 3 hours to and fro.

Tu x masuk minggu pulang bermalam. Selagi boleh I would ask her to send me as late as possible back to school. The curfew is at 6 p.m, so I would say no to come back any earlier, without realising how late it was for my mom by the time she arrived home. How selfish I was at that time huh?

I only realized how strenuous doing all this when I can drive, and because at that time my work place (mrsm kkb) was quite along the way to my sister's boarding school in SMS Kuala Selangor, my mom asked me to help pick her up. Driving alone, in the afternoon, for 2 hours, only then did I realize what my mom has done for me all this while. And its not only for me, but for her 3 other children who studied in boarding schools. If its up to me, if God willing i have children in the future, I would even consider asking them to not go to boarding schools. Hahaha. Its just too tiring! And we are not even talking about the toll and gas to be paid!

But of course, I am talking from the perspective of someone who does not have children yet, so I guess I dont quite understand what it means to be willing to sacrifice anything-your money, your resting time, your energy, your weekend, your own life, basically anything, just so that you get to see your children will have a better future.

Haha funny how I started writing this post with the intention of ranting, but ended up being insaf and missing my parents moree. (See how writing is good for u? Its a form of relection!)

To all super parents out there, I salute you! Thank you for making our lives as children awesome no matter how bratty we could be at times;p

Okla its time to whatsapp my mom and tell her I love and miss her=)
Have a happy weekend and let it be the weekend where we are among the grateful ones

dari mana nk kemana

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