Tuesday, May 22, 2012

antara dua

ala. blogger ni tak boleh buat table la. huw huw huw. takpe, I'll make do with what I have.

if I stay,


  1. dekat dengan mama, boleh berbakti kepada mama dan keluarga apa yang patut. apa-apa emergency pun boleh balik dengan segera
  2. sudah familiar dengan tempat kerja dan budaya orang sini. tidak perlu mengambil masa untuk menyesuaikan diri
  3. boleh selalu balik rumah. like every week. cuma perlu bayar minyak rm 50 seminggu dan rm 10 tol pigi balik
  4. tak payah beli perkakas alat elektronik. tiap2 minggu boleh pinjam washing machine mama
  5. boleh pergi indon next year bulan 3 walaupun cuti seminggu je sbbnya senang je nak balik rumah, tak pyh fly dulu bagai
  6. tak payah jual kereta.

  1. if I stay, I would always feel as if I have chicken out from taking on a new challenge
  2. I would always wonder how my life would be if i choose to go
  3. akan terus bergantung kepada keluarga

if I go,

  1.  kenal orang baru, tempat baru, budaya baru. kata orang, jauh berjalan luas pemandangan
  2. menjadi lebih berdikari sbb tak boleh lagi nak depends on ibu bapa
  3. elaun banyak katenye
  4. dekat dengan brunei bolehla melawat sultan brunei (eh?)
  5. pengalaman mendewasakan kata orang
  6. peluang berjumpa jodoh. (eh lagi! HAHA)

  1. susah nak balik. 2 kali naik flight. and costly
  2. kene jual my first car isk2 sedey
  3. kene uruskan rumah sendiri. cari furniture sendiri, washing machine, TV, dapur, etc. kereta da la dah xde
  4. mungkin susah nak berkerja semula di semenanjung. but I have my exit plan- quit terus kerja dengan TV Al-Hijrah. boleh minta autograph ustaz Don. hee

Huaaa. It still does not solve anything!! The way I see it, both decisions have their own pros and cons. And sometimes, you cant make the decisions based on how long the list on one side compared to the other, because sometimes even having one reason is enough for you to make that decision, because its an important enough reason. 

But I cant help but thinking, if I care so much about not going to the place everyone else is relieved they do not have to go,does that not show that actually my heart is more set on going than staying?

And when I was alternating between FB and Blogger. I came across this on the news feed:

"Put your trust in Allah"

...And when you have decided, then rely upon Allah.
Indeed, Allah loves those who rely [upon him] (Quran 3: 159)

Whatever decision I will make, I am sure there will be some hikmah in it. And whatever obstacles I may face in the future, I know Allah will not burden me with something that is more than I could shoulder.

Can you guess what my decision would be? Lets see where I would be writing from in the next entry. Hehe. 

di persimpangan dilemma di ambang wati (eh?)

i finally got to know where I would be posted at.

The first time I read the name of the school-MRSM Mukah, all I did was laugh. Because God knows what I would do instead if I did not. All my friends were saying they were impressed by how I was holding on. I was not panicking, I did not even shed a tear, no. I keep assuring them "Kita OK la, betul.. Korang jangan la risau".

Frankly speaking, I was surprised myself by how I reacted.
 Maybe its because I have repeatedly told myself that I will accept anywhere I will be posted, with open heart, because I believe that if Allah wills me to be there, then insyaAllah it would be the best for me. And did I not pray a lot about asking Him to place me where it would bring good for me, dunya wal akhirah? So I should have faith in that.

Or, maybe its because I dislike being pitied. Ok. 'dislike' is an understatement. I HATE being pitied. So as much as I could, I tried to project myself as someone who is unfazed with this unexpected turn of event that has befallen me, when in reality, I wasnt really sure myself how OK I was with that situation.

Right after knowing that, in my head I was imagining myself wearing Indiana Jones kinds of attire, you know-khaki pants, cowboy hats, brown leather bag, right down to the boots, braving the airport where the presence of chicken and cows is not unusual, all alone. Ok, I am always a bit of drama queen there. But being me, I just cant help it. Anyhow after asking around, I found out that there are about 5 of us who are going there. I would be the only english teacher and the others are teaching maths, science and history. Knowing this reaaally helped me to relax a bit.

Now, the reason for the title of this post is because I am indeed, in the persimpangan dilema. I actually have the opportunity to stay at my old school where I have been teaching as a contract teacher-MRSM KKB. The human resource dept at the HQ might have made some kind of mistake, even after the list of teacher and their respective postings came out, MRSM KKB is still left with one vacancy for english teacher. For your info, this school is actually a hot spot among teachers who are living in Selangor or KL area. Why not, it is like the only MRSM in Selangor, only one hour away from civilization (hehe). In order to enter this school, both the students and teachers need to have some kind of 'cable', because the place is very well sought. But being me with no cable whatsoever, I am just lucky that I happened to be there when they need a teacher, and they kind of get used of me being there and they were quite willing to help me if I want to be transferred there instead.

If I were the old me, I would jump at the chance before I could spell y-e-s, but i guess I am more mature now. The offer is of course tempting. Why not-living only one hour away from home and family, working with people I have already familiar with and kids that love me (I think, because they cried when i left), living near to the city (I am a city girl alright), i could save money (If i can stand not going back home in the middle of the week) and other reason i could not think of right now.


I also feel like I need some kind of excitement in my life right now. im getting used to the routine, I start to think there must be more to life than this. And if I dont go, I might always wonder what my life would be like if I choose to go.  I will always wonder about the kids I choose to not teach. but at the same time I am also scared of venturing into the unknown, whether I have what it takes to survive in a foreign land that might be very different from what I am used to

And I only have until tomorrow to decide whether I would want to send the appeal letter for the transfer and face the 50-50 chance of going to Mukah, or, not to appeal, which means 100% confirmation I am going to Mukah. And its driving me crazyy thinking about it. You see, if I do appeal, it means I would be in the situation where I am living in between. If the result of the appeal comes out after I fly to Mukah, I would not be able to really concentrate on settling down, in case I would have to return to peninsular. But if I did not appeal, I might actually lose my only lifeline to my comfort zone, and what if I end up hating living there??

Thinking about it, I think in the end, its all up to me. Wherever I end up going, whether I would be happy or not, would depends on how I make the situations to be like. I always believe in this saying "If you cant change your situation, change your perception of the situation". If I can really do this, I know I'll be happy anywhere.

If only I can go to Mukah and drag all my family member along. haha. But 'if' is a bad word. i would not dwell on it too much.

p/s- to someone who claim to always check my blog, to tell you the truth, I am happy for your new found happiness (although I hate to admit I kind of jealous a bit (sikit je, janji)). May you always be happy dear good friend. If that person treat you bad (like I have always treated you), tell me, I'll be happy to give that person a kungfu kick for hurting my bestfriend, for only I can do that (hehehe). Text me if you think Im writing this for you

Ladies, our lives is about to change tremendously. Ready, get set, go!

Saturday, May 5, 2012

tonight we were young

it was 9 p.m when I finally arrived home. mom was not home yet from work. poor her. I used to get angry over the fact that she sometimes spends more time working than being with us. But now that I have already started working I think I could relate to how actually its not that you are choosing work over family, it is just about managing multiple responsibilities. and sometimes you cant help it that u need to spend more time focusing on one responsibilities over the others. And for me it is OK as long as you make the time to make up for it some other time (I dont know if I am making any sense here).

Anyway, I was actually planning to greet my mom with a sweet smile and a huge hug but I was met with a scowl instead "Lain kali park la depan sikit supaya kereta ma boleh muat," she said without a smile. It was not the first time actually. My house cant barely store the three cars that we have. But being me the lousy driver, I am still struggling on making sure that I have parked my car close enough to the car in front of me without hitting the bumper. Hence, the lack of space for another car. I know she was tired, but I was tired too. And it is not much fun when the first sentence you say to each other after one week apart is regarding a bad parking right? But I decided not to be touchy about it. Everyone has their bad days. We are human afterall, not robots. We are programmed with all kind of emotions. Happy, excited, angry, anxious, sad, depressed among others. We are designed that way so that we realize how vulnerable we are sometimes. So we are aware of, and can turn to, the one without any vulnerability: Allah.

Ive actually diverged too much from the main thing I want to talk about. Well I think one of the reasons I wasnt upset is because I had a great day going out with my best friend today. It is so refreshing and re-energizing  spending the time with someone who you can talk about anything, changing the topic seamlessly from one unrelated issue to another without sounding out of place. We were talking about the situation at our current school and suddenly we're talking about disliking this one artist without even knowing how it is related. We are weird like that. But I like it. Both of us were having a flue but we were trying to talk about everything as if that was the only time we have that we end up having short of breaths (I still do until now, semput). We looked through the pictures we took when we were in NZ and we laughed like crazy at all the stupid poses we did. (why we had thought we were beautiful with that stupid poses even I have no idea). "It seems like so long ago, now, it seems like just a dream", I kept saying. 

People said we would never appreciate what we have until its gone. Well, even with that in mind during my final year and even though I tried to really appreciate and store every single seconds when I was there, I know there is no way I will ever stop missing it. I miss my life in NZ like crazy, it hurts. But of course time moves, that is its nature. And I am thankful that I had my chance. Although now my life seems less interesting and less colourful than it was before, I still need to move on and go on to create great new memories. Although at times it seems bleak, I have realized today during our lively chat and big laugh that even though the scenery and situation might be different now, I still have you and my other friends to re-create that happy memories, wherever I am, whenever I feel that I need it. And you will always have me too. Of course it wont be the same but I know it doesnt always have to be bad either, right? So lets make a promise no matter how bad our future situation is gonna be we will always hold on to each other and make each other strong. I know we can;)

i have been jumping from one thing to another like a maniac. and I dont even know if someone is even willing to read this till the end. No matter, I mostly wrote this for myself. So im quite happy I really get to express myself today after a long hiatus=)

and last but not least i just thought I would like to say this (although macam tetibe)- to my family and my friends-my dearest, you guys are by far, my favourite. For always being there for me during my good and bad days, thank you.
good ol' times

dari mana nk kemana

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