Tuesday, December 25, 2012

last hurrah before mukah

This wont be goodbye

Monday, December 24, 2012

today i am a waterfall

orang tua tua ada kata "Jangan gelak banyak banyak, nanti nangis"

kadang kadang ada betulnya. like today. 

i have just came back from my short mini vacation with one of my bosom (ecewah) buddies. We were invited to a wedding in Malacca which was held yesterday so we had planned that alang2 dah ada kat sana why dont we just stay there for a day and enjoy the cultural city. And so we did. Being with someone who can make a joke out of everything (even when we are making a fool out of ourselves), of course it wasnt hard to stay jolly through out the holiday.

It was when I got back home that my world started caving in.

Ok. The word "caving in" might be an exaggeration. It was when I arrived home, put down my bags, saw my mother ironing my father's pants that it hits me that I only have approximately one more week left before the school holiday is over which means I have to get back to Mukah, the land so so far away from my home sweet home. It was then when my tears started rolling down my cheeks.

All this while I realize that my days of being at home is numbered but whenever I start feeling the dread I'd tell myself that "Instead of thinking one more day is gone why dont u just imagine that this is the first day of a long holiday, so you'll still have (insert number according to how many days left) days to enjoy ur holiday". And I'll start feeling better all over again, but of course, for not too long. Who am I kidding. Just like everything else, there is always an end, and this school holiday is no exception.

I know people who might read this may think that I am such a cry baby crying over the end of a school holiday when other people who work in different fields dont even have a school holiday to begin with. But I guess this is more than just about going back to work. Its about going to work at a place that is not too accessible for me to come back home whenever I want to. By not accessible I meant is having to take either 2 flights or one flight and 3 hour bus ride in order to arrive at that place. That is not accessible at all. Because I cant go back home on a whim or whenever I feel too stressed with the work load and need to lie on my own bed. And the ticket is expensive too.

And I think I am writing this not just too moan and rant but also to analyse why exactly am I feeling so sad going back there. I mean of course everyone would feel at least a little bit sad leaving home when u have to work at a place which makes you unable to come home too often, but being sad up to crying during praying, and not even being able to look at the pictures of my newly wedded friends without feeling a little bit sorrowful of my own life (how they are starting an exciting new life while I am, well, stuck) is a little bit over the top dont you think?

And that place was not really that bad. Compared to the KPM (kemeterian) teachers who have to go to the rural areas and some even have to take a 6 hour boat ride just to get to their respective schools with no phone coverage whatsoever, I am of course, wayy better off. And my kids are well behaved too. Even if they might not be as bright as the kids studying in the peninsular, I think comparatively they are more respectful toward the teachers. And it is always easier to teach kids that respect u, trust me.

And guess what, while I am writing this I happened to check out my FB and someone posted a poem made by Afdlin Shauki:


Nukilan : Ammu Afdlin Shauki aka Abu Miasara

Kau buat mataku kecil
Kau buat badanku besar
Kau sayangkan aku

Kau buatku serba kekurangan
Supaya aku berusaha mencari kejayaan
Kemudian kau limpahkan dgn kesenangan
Kau sayangkan aku

Aku leka dengan hidup dunia
Tiada syukur tersemat didada
Hari hari bergelumang dosa
perhubungan kita tidak ku jaga
seperti seorang anak tak mengenang jasa
Kau sayangkan aku

Aku yg sudah hanyut jiwaku
Rasa tak layak lagi bersamaMu
Sangkaku tertutup sudah pintu kemaafanMu
kerana ke-alpaan diriku
Kerana kebodohan diriku
kerana keangkuhan diriku
Kerana ku butakan mata kecilku
"Masihkah Kau sayangkan Aku?"

f16 Israel membedil Gaza
Kau sayangkan aku

Bom Bom Israel mencari Syuhada
Kesengsaraan di tanah Gaza
Kehancuran merata- rata
Kezaliman yg tak terkata
Kau sayangkan aku

Kemanusiaan membawaku ke sana
Kau permudahkan segala cara
Walaupun debar menggoncang dada
Kau beri ku kekuatan minda
Selamat perjalananku ke Gaza
Agar akhirnya dapat ku guna
Mata yang lama tak bercahaya
Kerana hanya mengejar dunia
Kau Sayangkan aku

Mataku melihat, runtun hatiku
bukan kerana kematian dan kesusahan di situ
Gaza tanah barakahMU 
walaupun semuanya kelabu
Dipenuhi oleh kekasih-kekasihMU
Yang tidak pernah menyoal cintaMU
Yang tak pernah menyalahkanMU
Walaupun apa saja kesusahan yang kau beri
Kesyukuran tak pernah meninggalkan hati
Semua kekasih kekasihMU itu merindui
Bersamamu di Jannah nanti

Air mata berlinangan dari mata kecilku
Melihat Ketenangan wajah kekasihMU
Melihat Keberanian jiwa kekasihMU
Melihat keredhaan hati kekasihMU
Melihat ketaqwaan hidup kekasihMU

Senyum kekasihMU penuh cahaya
Senyun terukir walaupun duka 
Senyum di beri tak memilih siapa
Senyum penuh kesyukuran padaNYA

AKu terduduk, terdiam melihatnya
Mata aku berkelip tidak percaya, 
tidak pernah aku melihat sepertinya
Adakah aku dibumi nyata 
ataupun menghampiri ahli-ahli syurga

Palestin bergolak atas keizinanMu
Kau mahu Palestin menjadi guru
Pelajaran bagi semua umat MU
Menyuluh jalan pulang padaMU

Aku meminta pengampunan dariMu Ya Allah
Kerana setelah semua yg aku laku
kau masih sudi membuka mataku
kau masih sudi mahu bersama ku
Kau masih sudi sayangkan aku
Kau sayangkan aku

Aku bersyukur dan merasa rendah
kerana diriku yang masih kau endah
Akan ku balas cintamu dengan seluruh jiwaku
dengan badan besarku
dengan seniku, dengan jenakaku, dengan akalku
dengan mata kecilku yang kini melihat kebesaran Mu
kekuatan Mu, Ke BijaksanaanMu, PengampunanMU
Cinta Mu yang memang tidak ada seteru.
Semua yang ku lakukan kini kerana Mu

UntukMu inginku menjadi Qalam
Akan aku ceritakan kebesaranmu kepada sekian Alam
Akan ku sampaikan kasih mu yg sangat mendalam
Ya aku, Budak gemuk yg 120kg ni... ISLAM.

 and I realized what is the source of my problem. It all comes down to this:

I was ungrateful and unaware of how blessed I am. When I am complaining about my work, there are millions of people who are worrying about more pressing, troubling, life-threatening matters.To have this issue as my only problem is a blessing in itself! Astaghfirullah, Ya Allah forgive me!

The fact that I am unaware of my blessing just show how far I am from my Creator. Astaghfirullah, Ya Allah forgive me!

I asked from Allah in my prayer to please give me a heart that is in peace with whatever He has chosen for me and Subhanallah how fast He had answered my prayer.

Yes, i guess it is true that the heart which is always grateful wont ever feel unhappy. Because when you want what u have, u will always have what u want. I will always try to remember that. InsyaAllah

Amazing how writing can be a therapy for me. And to have this, thank you Allah

And I end this with a verse of the love letter from Allah:

"Dan ingatlah ketika Tuhanmu memaklumkan, "Sesungguhnya jika kamu bersyukur, niscaya Aku akan menambah (nikmat) kepadamu, tetapi jika kamu memungkiri (nikmatKu), maka pasti azabKu sangat berat" (Ibrahim: 7)

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

say what u mean and mean what u say

my activities today:

6 a.m- saying goodbye to Kak We (my house maid) who is off to Jawa for her two weeks holiday. Ayah outstation in Malacca, Mama outstation in Perlis. Which means I am going to be the temporary head-of-house a.k.a mother to my younger siblings

9 a.m- overslept. I meant to prepare breakfast at 8. hoho. But the kids were still sleeping so I guess its ok. Menu: Burger. Only burnt the first burger patty so I guess it wasnt too bad, and its not like it was charred black. Edible. I was responsible enough to eat the overly cooked patty. Wani requested for daging burger bersalut telur. Luckily I had the common sense to finish cooking all the patties first before attempting to coat them with eggs. My first attempt with the egg did not end up the way I wanted it. Instead of egg coated burger, it was burger with scramble eggs. Called out for Amir (my bro) and he helped finished the rest. So not bad, out of 4, only one burger was a disaster. But like I said, still edible. And when you put a lot of chili sauce, the burnt taste was not that apparent. tsk tsk

10 a.m- Heads out of the house to Atie's school to buy her books. And then to Sofea's school. And then to the Jabatan Immigresen Kelana Jaya branch to renew passport. Showed Atie where I had a little accident with the car when I tried to go there last time. Arrived at the immigration and after being asked a few question, were directly ushered to the machine where can allow me to get the new passport without filling in any form. Just need to insert my old passport, my mycard, and the payment of rm100 (for 2 years) and heyyy presto was given a receipt that specifically wrote that I can collect my new passport after at least 1 hour. Was really impressed with how efficient the immigration was. But wait, that is not the whole story yet. So instead of wait for one hour, we decided to finish other errands first. Went to the bank, went to the tabung haji and at 1 p.m, we arrived again at the immigration (estimated time to collect the card after one hour was at 12.30. So we had given a little bit of leeway just in case the passport was not finished yet.

1 p.m- The officer at the front desk instructed us to go to counter no 1 and take the queue number. The problem is, there was NO queue number to be given!! And I was like, what?? Am I suppose to just wait for my name to be called? What if they have already called my name when I was not there? So much for being efficient. And because there was no queue number given, everybody was like standing in front of the counter, not daring to sit too far away in case they could not hear their names being called. Luckily I had the sense to give my receipt to the officer and check if my passport is already done. And of course not.

2.15 p.m- Had enough of waiting and was worrying about my sisters at home who might be waiting for me to cook their lunch. Was really upset that some of those who came later than me but was applying their passport at the counter instead of the machine received their passport earlier than me. Whatt?? Then why should I used the machine at the first place if im going to be held back like this at the end of the day? If you cant finish it by one hour then why did u say that u can?? Do u know how much time was wasted? GrrRR. I end up leaving without receiving my passport yet.

2.30 p.m- Arrived home and yes, Sofea was really hungry that she was willing to eat yesterday's rice without any side dishes. I said wait, that is too pitiful and asked her to wait for a while so I can cook her fried rice.

3.00 p.m- finish cooking. Again, it was not superb, but it was edible and sofea did not complain too much (mind you, this girl cerewet gilaaa) and managed to finish off the rice without not even one butir left. Haha. Either she was too hungry to complain or the rice was good, but I dont care. I was happy enough that I managed to make her full.

And it was only half a day, but ive been feeling as if I am on the edge the whole day. How do Moms do this everyday?? They sure indeed are superhumans. Salute!

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

the pengantins

a late update on  'here comes the bride'..


THE PENGANTINS. They are just gorgeous aren't they?

May you make each other happy, forever=)

Saturday, November 24, 2012

here comes the bride..

tomorrow would be a big day indeed for one of my bestest friend- Azreen Fareeza Azman. We go waaaayyy back, I have known her for quite some time. In fact, she is one of the earliest person I knew among all my friends in KMS, where I did my preparation before heading to NZ. We met by chance when we went for the interview for MARA scholarship in the same session. The interview was quite special actually- it was for people whose names were not called to come to the interview for the scholarship at first. We went to the HQ and appeal anyway because we knew we at least deserve a chance for an interview (based on our results academically and non-academic, and also knowing that friends who performed less also received offer to be interviewed). We then found out that there was a system glitch because too many people applied (lagi memalukan bila jumpa pegawai tu die ckp "ni ada budak dapat 10 A pun tak dapat offer interview juga."ala2 perli gitu. FINEE. Taula aku x straight A. isk2)

Anyway, to cut things short, Alhamdulillah (after being heartbroken for a week), I received a call sometime around one maghrib, to come for an interview the next day. So there I was, sitting in the same room as her, making small chit chat to ease my nervousness. Because we were applying for TESL course, we were required to write an essay about one of the saddest/happiest memory. I remembered asking her what she wrote about,and her answer- her experience during PLKN. After we were done with the interview, she told me the the way to get home (me being the person with poor sense of direction since forever). Little did we know that we are fated to meet again later when became room mates at KMS. Erin, kita berjodoh la!

I guess that is why among our friends, we still addressed ourselves as "kita" "awak", when with other people we were using "aku" "kau". Mungkin sbb awal awal kita da cakap sopan2 (yelaa, jumpa kat interview la katekan, knela ckp sopan2 supaya nmpk sophisticated sikit. Eh? Haha).

Living with her during KMS and in NZ, bit by bit I know more about her. Among the girls, she is known as "The athlete", "flat rate" (for having no problems with extra lipid in the abs HAHA), "pandai buat muka otai", and "budak yang paling byk gmbr tgh melakukan aktiviti makan". Being her old roommates I also know more- pernah angau pastu ulang lagu yang sama banyak2 kali ("From this moment" kan erin? hehe), suara sedap (sebab selalu nyanyi masa tgh iron baju. walaupun earphone kat telinga suara still maintain youu), bila demam dia akan jadi pendiam pastu muka merah2, seorang yang jarang marah2, susah nak nmpk die nangis, jarang mengumpat, seorang yang bijak bistari (makcik ni straight A ok SPM dia), seorang yang cool, seorang yang pandai berjimat and most importantly seorang kawan yang baik.

That's why la i am writing this special post for her. (eh dia nak kawen kut tapi kenapa la tulis mcm nak berpisah kan). Yela, because I know after marriage it would be different. It is a new phase of life, a lot of things would change, your priority would change. Your new family would be your priority now, and friends might cease to be as important. 

Therefore, before the change, I just want to tell you that I am glad I have been blessed by the chance to know you. May your new life brings you a lot of joy and happiness and may it me the medium for you to achieve success in this world and more so in the hereafter. Dont be a good wife, but be a GREAT wife to your husband. May you be blessed with future sons and daughters yang soleh/solehah dan comel2 belakeww. (haha). Ameen.. Love you to bits!!

p/s-sedih gila bila cari cari gmbar kita bersama tak de yang kita tangkap berdua je. isk2. I guess sbb kita dua pun biasanya menumpang camera orang lain so xdela gmbr camwhoring bersama kan. So terpaksala mak crop gmbar orang2 lain supaya ada gak gmbr kita berdua. wahaha..

Nah, lagi satu gmbr-roommates forever (eh x la forever, esok awk da ada room mate baru da. HAHAHA)

back in KMS day-2007

raya in NZ-2010

Okla, its 2.07 a.m and gotta hit the sack. Nyte2. Assalamualaikum.

 Roger and out (sape tah agaknya suka guna ayat ni kan?)

Friday, November 23, 2012

the drama of my life

so this good old friend of mine suggested that I should write again. And suddenly I decided to open this blog tonight. God, the last entry was the night before my first class. And I promised that I'll wrote about my first experience at school but I did not! Actually, checking my drafts, I did start to write something until Ive ran out of idea about what to write next that I decided not to post at all. I am ashamed with myself. Huh Sarah, org yang mahu berjaya x kenal erti putus asa sepatutnya!

xpela. "let bygone be bygone, things already happened" (heh, dulu pernah choral speaking ayat ni, sbb tula ingat sampai sekarang) Anyway, since I love re-reading my entries (this sounded soo vain, God), bknla, bkn sbb its good, its just because I got to relive that memory again, which is nice to do (with this limited memory of mine), writing is a good memory storage. So here, I'll just post what I wrote half way about my first day at school.

[And typical me, no matter how sophisticated I wanted to be, life will always have another plan for me (always finding ways to mock me, heh). But experience is still experience right? whether its bad or good. So here goes]

i knew it. i knew that deciding to go to mukah will somehow warrant me to a lot of future drama in my life. Travelling to somewhere outside your comfort zone, to somewhere new where their way of life might be quite different from what you are used to, meeting new faces, settling down in a new place will somehow open up the window to many possibilities. And this, I find exciting

But, even knowing that, I never expected that my shoes would decide to misbehave on my very first class in Mukah!! I was having fun talking to the kids, listening to the students introducing themselves when suddenly i realized that the shoe had somehow that the glue which is holding all the parts of the shoes together is hanging by the thread! They looked really terrible. They looked like something a homeless woman found in a dump and have to wear it out of desperation. It was like I had wore the heels for a trip to the mountain and went through a river.

melancholic night

we might have been great together

but who really knows..

p/s-sometimes i worry if i really have the capability to love properly, or if that ability has been robbed forever by my past experience, cruelly.

Monday, June 11, 2012

jauh berjalan luas pemandangan

assalamualaikum and hello helloo hellooo (bayangkan hello tu mcm bergema gema)

I finally got access to the internet after buying a prepaid broadband and alhamdulillah its quite fast and reliable (although a tad expensive. the modem itself is rm100, starter pack rm12 plus kne bayar 18 bucks some more for one week of internet, unlimited. ok ke ha? its rm 50 for a month tp tadi x cukup duit nk byr hihu). that has always been the problem with me. I cant really decide if one deal is a good deal. I used to depend on other people to think for me but since I am so far away from the people I used to rely on, I had to make a lot of decisions for myself. hihu. and sometimes i dont even get a clue whether ive been cheated on or what.

anyway, tomorrow is going to be the first time I'll be going to the new school-mrsm mukah. a bit nervous. have a lot more to tell about me being here so far but i guess not tonight. its 12.30 am and i dont wanna be a zombie teacher tomorrow so I better hit the sack now. Pray the best for me. Please pray the staffs and the students will like me, hihihuu.

p/s- i miss kelana jayaaaa, rumah no 22.. eh, no 21.. hehehe

p/s2- wat a useless entry huh? hehe. im just excited about getting internet access i just need to write something. might delete this later. nyte2

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

antara dua

ala. blogger ni tak boleh buat table la. huw huw huw. takpe, I'll make do with what I have.

if I stay,


  1. dekat dengan mama, boleh berbakti kepada mama dan keluarga apa yang patut. apa-apa emergency pun boleh balik dengan segera
  2. sudah familiar dengan tempat kerja dan budaya orang sini. tidak perlu mengambil masa untuk menyesuaikan diri
  3. boleh selalu balik rumah. like every week. cuma perlu bayar minyak rm 50 seminggu dan rm 10 tol pigi balik
  4. tak payah beli perkakas alat elektronik. tiap2 minggu boleh pinjam washing machine mama
  5. boleh pergi indon next year bulan 3 walaupun cuti seminggu je sbbnya senang je nak balik rumah, tak pyh fly dulu bagai
  6. tak payah jual kereta.

  1. if I stay, I would always feel as if I have chicken out from taking on a new challenge
  2. I would always wonder how my life would be if i choose to go
  3. akan terus bergantung kepada keluarga

if I go,

  1.  kenal orang baru, tempat baru, budaya baru. kata orang, jauh berjalan luas pemandangan
  2. menjadi lebih berdikari sbb tak boleh lagi nak depends on ibu bapa
  3. elaun banyak katenye
  4. dekat dengan brunei bolehla melawat sultan brunei (eh?)
  5. pengalaman mendewasakan kata orang
  6. peluang berjumpa jodoh. (eh lagi! HAHA)

  1. susah nak balik. 2 kali naik flight. and costly
  2. kene jual my first car isk2 sedey
  3. kene uruskan rumah sendiri. cari furniture sendiri, washing machine, TV, dapur, etc. kereta da la dah xde
  4. mungkin susah nak berkerja semula di semenanjung. but I have my exit plan- quit terus kerja dengan TV Al-Hijrah. boleh minta autograph ustaz Don. hee

Huaaa. It still does not solve anything!! The way I see it, both decisions have their own pros and cons. And sometimes, you cant make the decisions based on how long the list on one side compared to the other, because sometimes even having one reason is enough for you to make that decision, because its an important enough reason. 

But I cant help but thinking, if I care so much about not going to the place everyone else is relieved they do not have to go,does that not show that actually my heart is more set on going than staying?

And when I was alternating between FB and Blogger. I came across this on the news feed:

"Put your trust in Allah"

...And when you have decided, then rely upon Allah.
Indeed, Allah loves those who rely [upon him] (Quran 3: 159)

Whatever decision I will make, I am sure there will be some hikmah in it. And whatever obstacles I may face in the future, I know Allah will not burden me with something that is more than I could shoulder.

Can you guess what my decision would be? Lets see where I would be writing from in the next entry. Hehe. 

di persimpangan dilemma di ambang wati (eh?)

i finally got to know where I would be posted at.

The first time I read the name of the school-MRSM Mukah, all I did was laugh. Because God knows what I would do instead if I did not. All my friends were saying they were impressed by how I was holding on. I was not panicking, I did not even shed a tear, no. I keep assuring them "Kita OK la, betul.. Korang jangan la risau".

Frankly speaking, I was surprised myself by how I reacted.
 Maybe its because I have repeatedly told myself that I will accept anywhere I will be posted, with open heart, because I believe that if Allah wills me to be there, then insyaAllah it would be the best for me. And did I not pray a lot about asking Him to place me where it would bring good for me, dunya wal akhirah? So I should have faith in that.

Or, maybe its because I dislike being pitied. Ok. 'dislike' is an understatement. I HATE being pitied. So as much as I could, I tried to project myself as someone who is unfazed with this unexpected turn of event that has befallen me, when in reality, I wasnt really sure myself how OK I was with that situation.

Right after knowing that, in my head I was imagining myself wearing Indiana Jones kinds of attire, you know-khaki pants, cowboy hats, brown leather bag, right down to the boots, braving the airport where the presence of chicken and cows is not unusual, all alone. Ok, I am always a bit of drama queen there. But being me, I just cant help it. Anyhow after asking around, I found out that there are about 5 of us who are going there. I would be the only english teacher and the others are teaching maths, science and history. Knowing this reaaally helped me to relax a bit.

Now, the reason for the title of this post is because I am indeed, in the persimpangan dilema. I actually have the opportunity to stay at my old school where I have been teaching as a contract teacher-MRSM KKB. The human resource dept at the HQ might have made some kind of mistake, even after the list of teacher and their respective postings came out, MRSM KKB is still left with one vacancy for english teacher. For your info, this school is actually a hot spot among teachers who are living in Selangor or KL area. Why not, it is like the only MRSM in Selangor, only one hour away from civilization (hehe). In order to enter this school, both the students and teachers need to have some kind of 'cable', because the place is very well sought. But being me with no cable whatsoever, I am just lucky that I happened to be there when they need a teacher, and they kind of get used of me being there and they were quite willing to help me if I want to be transferred there instead.

If I were the old me, I would jump at the chance before I could spell y-e-s, but i guess I am more mature now. The offer is of course tempting. Why not-living only one hour away from home and family, working with people I have already familiar with and kids that love me (I think, because they cried when i left), living near to the city (I am a city girl alright), i could save money (If i can stand not going back home in the middle of the week) and other reason i could not think of right now.


I also feel like I need some kind of excitement in my life right now. im getting used to the routine, I start to think there must be more to life than this. And if I dont go, I might always wonder what my life would be like if I choose to go.  I will always wonder about the kids I choose to not teach. but at the same time I am also scared of venturing into the unknown, whether I have what it takes to survive in a foreign land that might be very different from what I am used to

And I only have until tomorrow to decide whether I would want to send the appeal letter for the transfer and face the 50-50 chance of going to Mukah, or, not to appeal, which means 100% confirmation I am going to Mukah. And its driving me crazyy thinking about it. You see, if I do appeal, it means I would be in the situation where I am living in between. If the result of the appeal comes out after I fly to Mukah, I would not be able to really concentrate on settling down, in case I would have to return to peninsular. But if I did not appeal, I might actually lose my only lifeline to my comfort zone, and what if I end up hating living there??

Thinking about it, I think in the end, its all up to me. Wherever I end up going, whether I would be happy or not, would depends on how I make the situations to be like. I always believe in this saying "If you cant change your situation, change your perception of the situation". If I can really do this, I know I'll be happy anywhere.

If only I can go to Mukah and drag all my family member along. haha. But 'if' is a bad word. i would not dwell on it too much.

p/s- to someone who claim to always check my blog, to tell you the truth, I am happy for your new found happiness (although I hate to admit I kind of jealous a bit (sikit je, janji)). May you always be happy dear good friend. If that person treat you bad (like I have always treated you), tell me, I'll be happy to give that person a kungfu kick for hurting my bestfriend, for only I can do that (hehehe). Text me if you think Im writing this for you

Ladies, our lives is about to change tremendously. Ready, get set, go!

Saturday, May 5, 2012

tonight we were young

it was 9 p.m when I finally arrived home. mom was not home yet from work. poor her. I used to get angry over the fact that she sometimes spends more time working than being with us. But now that I have already started working I think I could relate to how actually its not that you are choosing work over family, it is just about managing multiple responsibilities. and sometimes you cant help it that u need to spend more time focusing on one responsibilities over the others. And for me it is OK as long as you make the time to make up for it some other time (I dont know if I am making any sense here).

Anyway, I was actually planning to greet my mom with a sweet smile and a huge hug but I was met with a scowl instead "Lain kali park la depan sikit supaya kereta ma boleh muat," she said without a smile. It was not the first time actually. My house cant barely store the three cars that we have. But being me the lousy driver, I am still struggling on making sure that I have parked my car close enough to the car in front of me without hitting the bumper. Hence, the lack of space for another car. I know she was tired, but I was tired too. And it is not much fun when the first sentence you say to each other after one week apart is regarding a bad parking right? But I decided not to be touchy about it. Everyone has their bad days. We are human afterall, not robots. We are programmed with all kind of emotions. Happy, excited, angry, anxious, sad, depressed among others. We are designed that way so that we realize how vulnerable we are sometimes. So we are aware of, and can turn to, the one without any vulnerability: Allah.

Ive actually diverged too much from the main thing I want to talk about. Well I think one of the reasons I wasnt upset is because I had a great day going out with my best friend today. It is so refreshing and re-energizing  spending the time with someone who you can talk about anything, changing the topic seamlessly from one unrelated issue to another without sounding out of place. We were talking about the situation at our current school and suddenly we're talking about disliking this one artist without even knowing how it is related. We are weird like that. But I like it. Both of us were having a flue but we were trying to talk about everything as if that was the only time we have that we end up having short of breaths (I still do until now, semput). We looked through the pictures we took when we were in NZ and we laughed like crazy at all the stupid poses we did. (why we had thought we were beautiful with that stupid poses even I have no idea). "It seems like so long ago, now, it seems like just a dream", I kept saying. 

People said we would never appreciate what we have until its gone. Well, even with that in mind during my final year and even though I tried to really appreciate and store every single seconds when I was there, I know there is no way I will ever stop missing it. I miss my life in NZ like crazy, it hurts. But of course time moves, that is its nature. And I am thankful that I had my chance. Although now my life seems less interesting and less colourful than it was before, I still need to move on and go on to create great new memories. Although at times it seems bleak, I have realized today during our lively chat and big laugh that even though the scenery and situation might be different now, I still have you and my other friends to re-create that happy memories, wherever I am, whenever I feel that I need it. And you will always have me too. Of course it wont be the same but I know it doesnt always have to be bad either, right? So lets make a promise no matter how bad our future situation is gonna be we will always hold on to each other and make each other strong. I know we can;)

i have been jumping from one thing to another like a maniac. and I dont even know if someone is even willing to read this till the end. No matter, I mostly wrote this for myself. So im quite happy I really get to express myself today after a long hiatus=)

and last but not least i just thought I would like to say this (although macam tetibe)- to my family and my friends-my dearest, you guys are by far, my favourite. For always being there for me during my good and bad days, thank you.
good ol' times

Sunday, March 11, 2012

cynical people

there are a lots of people who work hard and put an effort to make the world into a better place to live in, and some of them did succeed. But i think they can achieve that much faster, if there are less cynical people who hampered their efforts.

just saying;)

New vocabulary to be learned today:

v hamper [ˈhӕmpə]
to make it difficult for (someone) to do something I tried to run away but I was hampered by my long dress.
a large basket with a lid a picnic hamper.
Kernerman English Multilingual Dictionary © 2006-2010 K Dictionaries Ltd.

Happy Sunday people!

Saturday, February 25, 2012

consoling myself

i dont hate teaching
but i hate planning
im struggle doing it everyday and I always wonder why other teachers dont look so stressed out 
is it because I am overly extreme in making sure there is no single boring moment in my class (which by the way, is not always possible)
is it because i am too terrified to see even one uninterested bored student that I crack my head everytime to come out with lesson plans that i thought would deemed interesting by the students? (and still, sometimes it still fails)

i love teaching
but i missed doing nothing on weekends too
and i miss time for myself (which i dont really have anymore, even after works im still working my a** off struggle to come out with proper lesson plans)

i dont want to sound so un-thankful
but i just need to let this out, as a therapy for myself
the problem is not with the profession
the problem is with me
im the one who is problematic
too slow, too un-creative, too lack of patience

i just pray that in the future
when i re-read this entry
i would just laugh and smirk at how weak I was
and how wonderful and great it is then

its only a month and im like this
im ashamed of myself
but trust me im struggling to stay above all this and come out as a winner
against my own self
prayers are needed:)

O Allah, please dont make Sarah among the loser, please keep Sarah strong, please make ease for Sarah in everything she does, and please give her the best for her, and give her the faith to believe that, because Ya Allah verily You know best, when she knows nothing.  (thank u for reading this doa with me and for me haha)

school breakkkk when are u comingggg

Saturday, January 21, 2012

die a thousand times

how come we start being selfish
when did we stop caring for others

im dying thousand times because of you
and everytime it is a slow and painful death

we do not know the future
but I can already tell you your end if you choose to go down that road
you will not die happy
you will regret it
you will keep saying "if only I did not make that decision, if only"
you will keep wondering how happy your life would be if only you have chosen to be steadfast instead of succumbing to your selfish stupid desire

please, dont choose that.

and dont easily blame it on fate when human is blessed with free will
and guess what,decisions made that by free will, will be questioned later in akhirah
and you can never easily just answer "Because it's fated"

stop hurting people like this, because soon, very soon, you'll get hurt
Allah is testing you, seeing you
and it seems like you are failing miserably without you realizing it

I promise you
if you choose that road
I will definitely, definitely fare you well
and will not thank you for the memories

p/s- how did we get so estranged?

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Sarah The Poet

I hate making decisions.
Unfortunately, being a teacher involves making decisions. LOTS of them.

I am teaching the students poem-writing next week. They have to write 5 types of poem: acrostic, 3 word poem, 9 word poem, metaphor, and a concrete poem. If i am a student having to do this stuff next week I think I am going to be excited and just have fun in the class writing those poems. But no, I am going there as a teacher, and just knowing what to teach does not mean my job is over. The things I am still worry about are:

  • What type of grouping is better in creating those poems (individual, partnership, or groupworks?)
  • How do I group them in the most interesting way?
  • How do I sequence the lesson (ask Ss to present after finishing each poem or let them to finish all the poems first and then present last?)
  • What is the best way for them to present the poems? (write on board or mahjong paper or in A4 stapled together?)
  • What if they are quite slow in thinking (because obviously Malaysian kids are not that used to writing poems) they could not come out with anything? How do I urge them?
  • And many more 
Since my brain had quite a break from thinking this past few months, all this push for thinking is causing it to be in shock. HAHA. Ok mengarut.

Anyway, I am not complaining (well at least I think so). I just want to see in words what ive been worrying about so I can actually see and figure it out, if u know what I mean. 

But actually im also trying hard to psycho myself about "PLANNING IS FUN!!" 

Nah, I actually tried to create some of the poems myself:

  • Acrostic poem:


  • 3-word Poem

  • 9-word Poem (1-2-3-2-1)
smiles brightly
to everyone everywhere
who appreciates
  • Metaphor
Love is a seed
It needs fertilizer and care
To keep it growing

[HAHA I must admit. quite lame laa this one]

Why dont u guys try one to keep the creative juice flowing? Its kinda fun u know.. hehe

p/s- "cuti panjang sudah habis, bro"

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

To be better, you must make an effort

Sometimes, Allah shows us the doors that can lead us into being a better person, a better place to be in, but always, its always up to us to decide whether to open the doors, and step into the better place, or to stay in the same place we are in, because we thought it is comfortable enough. But being always comfortable is not always a good thing, just as the saying goes "no pain no gain",  being a better person also means we need to make an effort to be one, even if it means leaving our comfort zone.

This was what happening to me. I was getting too comfortable in my comfort zone.

After I came back from New Zealand six months ago, for some reason I did not have the opportunity to attend usrah like I used to. And somehow after the time goes by I started to feel like I was fine without it. I was too busy finishing my practicals with tons of lesson plans to do and when I came home during the weekends all I wanted to do was rest rest and rest. I thought I wouldnt have time to attend usrah. It was just too busy. But by doing that I have actually hurt myself, maybe not literally but spiritually. I have started to drift off with dunya, and I can feel that I have actually been infested by the Futur disease. Maksud futur:

  1. terputus langsung setelah bersikap konsisten dan berhenti selepas aktif bergerak
  2. sikap malas, melambat-lambatkan dan bertangguh dalam keadaan dulunya sentiasa pantas dan efisien

One of the signs that you are experiencing futur is when someone asks you to do something relating to dakwah or tarbiyah, you can feel this feeling of dread inside of you. In simple term, you just start to feel lazy and you tend to give a lot of excuses that you think is strong enough to make you escape those invitations when actually deep down you know that you just dont want to do it. 

That is what happened to me, I lost focus but escaping usrah does not keep me from being any happier either. I was experiencing this spiritual void, and the feeling of guilty is always there. No amount of entertainment can keep me satisfied and I was always anxious. I really really missed the feeling of tranquility Ive experienced during my times in New Zealand. I was so busy back then attending and handling usrah but thinking about it in retrospective, I know my heart was at peace back then, knowing that I am doing something that pleases Allah.

Even in the deteriorating state of iman I kept praying that Allah will still guide me no matter how much I have sinned and may Allah give me another chance to experience what I have experienced back then in New Zealand. Although sometimes I am too ashamed with myself to pray for anything to God I still remember the hadith Qudsi that talks about to never lose hope to the mercy of Allah:

" O son of Adam, as long as you call upon Me and put your hope in Me, I have forgiven you for what you have done and I do not mind. O son of Adam, if your sins were to reach the clouds of the sky and then you would seek My forgiveness, I would forgive you. O son of Adam, if you were to come to Me with sins that are close to filling the earth and then you would meet Me without ascribing any partners with Me, I would certainly bring to you forgiveness close to filing it"
And Allah has answered my prayer in many ways:

  1. I came across an article someone posted on FB and when I read it I felt as if the article was written just for me. With the condition I was in at that time it was just the right article that can slap me awake from my reverie. Reading the article also made me realized that I am not, by all means, alone in experiencing Futur. It is a common problem and it is never too late to turn back.
  2. One of my friends who came back for a semester break from New Zealand invited me to go to this kind of usrah camp. I hesitated at first, afraid that I would be out of place there with all those group of people who is hard-core usrah campaigner but I pushed all that negative thoughts aside, knowing that I really need this pengisian after so long. I owe that that to myself
About the camp. Well to tell the truth, I was quite disappointed at first to find out that there was more outdoor activities than activities that is more soul-enriching in nature such as talks and the likes. I had to go through mud-tracking in the middle of the night (I was glad there was no leeches involved), kayaking and struggling like a granny on a high rope (my armpit muscle hurt like crazy the next day).

But actually it is not necessary to learn something from a formal talk or speech. Sometimes you still can learn something just from talking to someone who had gone the same experience such as you or through some sketch (lakonan) during the Malam Kebudayaan. So especially to Ernie, Sha and Erin, this is what I managed to pick up from the sharing session:

  • "Masa itu ibarat pedang, jika kamu tidak menggunakannya, ia akan melukakanmu". Sometimes bukan kita takde masa nak usrah. Its just that kita taknak memperuntukkan masa. If we are honest with ourselves we know that if we try, we can actually make time for at least 2 hours in a week to study something that would benefit us later on on judgement day. We have 24 hours a day, and its up to us whether to spend the time untuk benda benda yang boleh membawa kita ke syurga, or spend the time untuk benda2 yang boleh mendekatkan kita dengan neraka
  • Nak seribu daya, taknak seribu dalih. Indeed. Jangan biasakan diri dengan alasan, jujur dengan diri sendiri.
  • Bila futur, jangan give up, sebaiknya berbincang dengan orang lain and minta nasihat dan yang paling utama doa banyak2 dengan Allah minta ditetapkan
  • Bila time busy, set jadual untuk penuhi hak semua orang, either untuk tarbiyah, family, diri sendiri etc.
  • Always cuba letakkan tarbiyah and dakwah kat tempat yang pertama, insyaAllah benda2 lain akan jadi  mudah.
And ni adalah dari observation aku- kebanyakan kakak2 yang da lama balik for good tu, even though sibuk dengan kerja and family, ada anak-anak semuanya, diorang still amik masa untuk join program. Satu similarity yang aku boleh perasan ialah diorang ni semua muka muka tenang je. Haha

Bila aku tanya kak Affiza ape sebenarnya yang bantu dia untuk stay atas jalan ni adalah anak anak dia. Dia kata dia yakin dengan bantu agama Allah, Allah akan jaga family dia.

AND last but not least, dah kat Malaysia ni tak boleh harap orang Malaysia duk contact kita. Diorang tak terkejar sebab diorang pun bz. Kita sendiri kene make an effort kalau betul nak continue dengan usrah. And when I look at it, in a way Allah is also actually testing us to see whether we would make an effort to stay in contact with the source that can heightens our understanding of our own deen, or not. In the end, its our choice=)

Sorry for the long post. Havent been writing since forever and my last entry was such a negative one. In future I hope to write more beneficial stuffs as I am actually the one who benefited the most from writing this- I am actually first and foremost reminding myself! 

p/s- one of the things I have noticed is once when I have started improving my relationship with Allah, Allah has blessed me with a lot of things. Still waiting to be interviewed by MARA and then for posting that is I dont know when, I am almost totally broke right now. Suddenly yesterday my mentor during practicals from MRSM KKB texted me and asked me if I am interested to be a replacement teacher for a while at the old school. That means I got to earn some money and also sharpen my teaching skills that has been quite rusty since I had a long break.  Not bad for a good news dont you think? 

Alhamdulillah ya Allah=))

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