I want to live in oblivion

One of these days, I might just die out of a heartbreak

Even if I cry until blood comes out instead of tears
You still wont care would you?

Even if I kneel to beg until my knees make a hole in the ground
It still wont mean anything to you, right?

Even if I call you all kind of names
It still wont budge you from stop hurting us will you?

What have I done so bad to deserve this
What have you done so right to get away with this again?

You're too old to be selfish
If only u realise that
I H U

being mature does not equal to being an adult

Truth to be told, I have always wanted my life to be like in a movie

And I kind of got what I wish for
But its not the kind of genre that I would have preferred- romantic, comedy, adventure
No. Far from that- it is sad, melancholic and tragic all the way
Every possible scene u have watched in a sad movie, some of it might resemble my life
Sometimes it's up to the point of absurdity, even I cannot believe I am really living this kind of life. Sometimes I kind of feel acting in a cerekarama waiting for the director to yell "cut!". If only it is that easy. But no, this is not some kind of movie,  this is my life we are talking about.

I have always hate sad movie, even more so if its a sad ending. But I read someone's status today quoting John Lennon - " Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not okay, then it's not the end"

I so want to believe this. Can I believe this? Cuz at the rate I am going right now, i am really hating this part of my life right now. I cant totally wait for the sad part to finally ends and for the happy part to finally starts.

Can I? Do I deserve a happy ending after all?

lily on ur grave

what is this feeling
i guess i finally got what i wished for
feeling-less.
whatever he is doing.-yes, please do. i have stopped caring.
i have to, i need to, stop caring
that is the only way for me to cope, to survive, to protect myself from hurting

i dont know a lot of stuff. but i know this:
happiness that you gain through someone else's pain and tears wouldnt and cant last.
what goes around comes around
what goes around comes around

red

yesterday she was abnormally happy
happy teasing her housemates
happy using phone application that could actually make u see how you would look like after make up
happy laughing at her friend's ridiculously ugly picture of what could be her future son/daughter picture after using the apps that could combine you and your spouse's face

in all that giddiness and happiness she did wonder to herself why is she this happy, surely there is no catch to this? she silently hoped.

She hoped. but luck is not on her side.

so it's true then, what her mother has always told her. Don't laugh too much, or you will cry later. Well at least, in her case.

there is nothing that yesterday's simple carefree moment can prepare for what she had to face today.

it's not like she didnt know that there is high possibility that her worst experience would repeat itself again. it's not like she did not try to harden her heart to prepare for that possibility, so that she wont feel as much hurt and pain again. but she cant help but stupidly hope. hope that there is some sense in that person to think about other's people feeling for once instead of his own gratification.

that past scar, might become fainter now, but it is still not fully healed. but no, that person dont think that pain is hurtful enough. that he had to cut, slash, slit, crush, it again and again.

she wishes she can choose to be heart-less. so she will stop hurting. or at least she can turn her heart into a stone, and stop feeling anything ever again.

she wishes for many things.

 but wishes dont seem to be too fond of her.

i miss king's confectionery

it's amazing u know,

how we could actually change.

how there are matters that used to bother you so much you dont want to even think/consider about it
suddenly you find yourself surviving that and doing okay

i guess sometimes we are stronger than we give ourselves credit for


p/s- missing my bestfriends=(

on repeat

Sendiri
Sendiri ku diam
Diam dan merenung
Merenungkan jalan yang kan membawaku pergi
Pergi ‘tuk menjauh
Menjauh darimu
Darimu yang mulai berhenti
Berhenti mencoba
Mencoba bertahan
Bertahan untuk terus bersamaku

Ku berlari kau terdiam
Ku menangis kau tersenyum
Ku berduka kau bahagia
Ku pergi kau kembali

Ku coba meraih mimpi
Kau coba ‘tuk hentikan mimpi
Memang kita takkan menyatu

Bayangkan
Bayangkan ku hilang
Hilang tak kembali
Kembali untuk mempertanyakan lagi cinta
Cintamu yang mungkin
Mungkin tak berarti
Berarti untuk ku rindukan

Ku berlari kau terdiam
Ku menangis kau tersenyum
Ku berduka kau bahagia
Ku pergi kau kembali

Ku coba meraih mimpi
Kau coba ‘tuk hentikan mimpi
Memang kita takkan menyatu

Ini harusnya kita coba saling melupakan
Lupakan
Lupakan kita pernah saling bersama

Ku berlari kau terdiam
Ku menangis kau tersenyum
Ku berduka kau bahagia
Ku pergi kau kembali

Ku coba meraih mimpi
Kau coba ‘tuk hentikan mimpi
Memang kita takkan menyatu

cry me a river

some people hate tears as they are mostly a symbol of pain, sadness, frustration and hurt. But Allah creates human with the ability to cry for a reason. I always felt better after a good cry. It does not solve the problems at hand, no. But somehow they do have some kind of healing and purging effect.

So as of tonight, (no matter how weird this might sound) I am just feeling grateful that I could cry, Alhamdulillah.

p/s- i feel like i need a little saving