If only

Lately, i have found myself wishing I could change things that has already happened
I have been saying 'if only' more and more

Which is bad
Because ive heard once how the word 'if' is actually the devil's trick to make you become ungrateful, to make you waste your time to dwell on something useless, to make you blame fate

Ya Allah
Please guide my heart
Please dont leave me astray
Keep me among those who you guide

Please dont let me want the wrong things


Amin

Sarah si mak supir

Picking up sofea from her art class

Decided to come back home because of the three days break just to an empty house

Well, not really empty tp hampirlah
Mom is in Lombok, Indonesia, for her work place's team building session
Ayah is not around this week
Amy went to Ipoh for her friend's wedding
Atie is going out with her friend
Amir is home tp sama je ada ke xde as he will wake up late and then will be stuck in front of the computer playing games
Sofea has tuition and art class

Which means I am the mak supir of the day, sending and fetching up sofea to her classes.

And doing this for the whole day, go out to send her and then come home and then wait until its time to pick her up again-I dont know how mothers do it without complaining, because although its not difficult, but doing the same thing over and over again week in and week out-it's boringggg (plus sbb xde orang and xde aktiviti nk buat kat rumah kut today)

And I guess thats the difference between a mom and everyone else,they do things so selflessly it seemed so effortless until you have to replace her doing the tasks, and then u know.

Sama juga, I used to ask my mom to come visit me back when I was in boarding school in Sabak Bernam if possible every weekend with the stupidest excuses (like biskut abes, pdhal orang lain boleh je gi outing beli sendiri, rindu la, homesick la). And my mom would try her best to come. And she did this all on her own, because my dad worked in Sudan at that time. She would drive all 3 hours to and fro.

Tu x masuk minggu pulang bermalam. Selagi boleh I would ask her to send me as late as possible back to school. The curfew is at 6 p.m, so I would say no to come back any earlier, without realising how late it was for my mom by the time she arrived home. How selfish I was at that time huh?

I only realized how strenuous doing all this when I can drive, and because at that time my work place (mrsm kkb) was quite along the way to my sister's boarding school in SMS Kuala Selangor, my mom asked me to help pick her up. Driving alone, in the afternoon, for 2 hours, only then did I realize what my mom has done for me all this while. And its not only for me, but for her 3 other children who studied in boarding schools. If its up to me, if God willing i have children in the future, I would even consider asking them to not go to boarding schools. Hahaha. Its just too tiring! And we are not even talking about the toll and gas to be paid!

But of course, I am talking from the perspective of someone who does not have children yet, so I guess I dont quite understand what it means to be willing to sacrifice anything-your money, your resting time, your energy, your weekend, your own life, basically anything, just so that you get to see your children will have a better future.

Haha funny how I started writing this post with the intention of ranting, but ended up being insaf and missing my parents moree. (See how writing is good for u? Its a form of relection!)

To all super parents out there, I salute you! Thank you for making our lives as children awesome no matter how bratty we could be at times;p

Okla its time to whatsapp my mom and tell her I love and miss her=)

Have a happy weekend and let it be the weekend where we are among the grateful ones

two oh one six

I just realized how I only posted 3 entries last year.

Oh no

I guess the age is catching up on me and my hectic lifestyle (hectic la sangat) didnt allow me with much time to sit down and reflect and tell. Or maybe because I dont find anything interesting anymore (oh no!!)

Ok tak perlu over. I guess it's just that last year ive grown accustomed to post stuffs on my Instagram instead. I have found new things that I am passionate in-hills hiking! (can you believe it, hiking? me?). It is more convenient and fast and easy but I guess because it is more easy it becomes less meaningful.

And sooo.. this is what I have decided today-to write more! And also because I need to teach kids to write good essays, so I guess I must start with myself first

 I pray that this year I will be writing about a lot of happy stuffs and great news, ameen.
(thats how new years are-they make people feel hopeful.) Wishing a happier year for everyone everywhere around the world too.. Ameen=))

[teruknyaa post sebab da lama x menulis -_-')

If you manage to find this...

Congratulation. . .

Home is where the hunt is

You dont say it

Not in so many words

But through how you look at me

Through your half hearted smile

Through your body language

You might as well scream it to my ears

That I am the source

The constant source of disappointment

The living prove of your failure

You wish you could just turn or run away from

People say distance makes the heart grows fonder

But why dont they talk about how hearts might only be fond when they are apart

Not when they are together?

What do you do when the place you seek refuge is also the place your heart found menace?

So where do you run to?

I know, I am aware

 I am at fault

So guide me

Dont hate me

Birthday resolution 2015

I feel that I need to write this somewhere. So here goes:

Things to do everyday (steps to become a better person)

1. Strive to pray early

2. Read at least 4 pages of quran everyday

3. Read at least one academic article everyday (instead of clicking the 'save' button with the intention to read it later, but I never did)

4. No matter how sucky the news are nowadays, read it everyday. Be in the know so you can teach the kids better about whats going on in the world

5. Spend only 2.5 hours tops in watching something that is entertainment related, regardless whether you are free all day long or not. Too much of entertainment makes you become stupid sarah, please realise that

6. Strive to increase the number of voluntary prayers. Kau sembahyang tu bukannya khusyuk. Maka sedar-sedar dirilah

7. Smile more

8. Wake up everyday with the intention of helping at least one person

9. Post a Facebook status that can increase people's awareness on an important issue or tazkirah-related or hadith or quran translation at least twice a weak

10. Less procrastination

Ive been procrastinating a lot lately, that I feel really guilty. All around me ive been receiving and reading news on how people suddenly die/ fall into coma. And it stirred something inside of me. Life is too short for me to become a useless person. So I feel that I need to take charge, and change. And making this resolution is one of the steps.

To others, it might not be a very impressive list, but for me, right now, knowing how lackadaisical I have become lately, if I can put a tick for everything that is on the list, it is an accomplishment enough and I will be a very happy girl.

this is sarah and I am striving to be the change I want to see.  

I is sad

            I am a transparent person. Very. People who know me know very well about that. It is very obvious when i am happy, when I am angry, when I am sad, when I am miserable. Even if I try, I'd do a very miserable job concealing my emotions.

            Being the way that I am, has its own advantages and disadvantages. Advantages: (tapping my hand and thinking hard. ok rupanya takde HAHA). Disadvantages: I got into a lot of unnecessary conflict with other people, especially the ones I am close with. The reason being is because when I am upset, I usually let it be known that I am upset, through both actions and words. Example: I dont like the way how my friend is being snappish at me over no reason just because she feels like being moody. Instead of being patient and give her some space and let it go, I am the kind who would not be able to take that kind of attitude therefore I would tell that straight to her face. And of course, I am not helping the situation at all with her already being moody at the first place. So usually we ended up being in a stupid cold war, which in actuality, can easily be avoided if I'd just be the bigger women and let it go. 

          Ive been in that situation for countless times. And I ended up regretting it many times too.  You know, sometimes, even when you know you're right, some battles are not worth starting. Especially when you are being sad over something your loved ones are doing. Why create the unnecessary conflict of hurting others just because you were hurt at the first place? You are hurt, yes, but does it make you feel better when your loved ones are hurt too, because of you? 

         Life is not always about getting a fair treatment. Especially in regards to love. You dont go loving someone expecting they love you as much as you love them. You might feel you're in heaven when that is the case, but when it is not, it is sad, yes, but it should be fulfilling too, in its own right. Therefore, in the case when you are hurting, true love is when you would hide your pain so that they can smile when they look at you, thinking you're fine and happy too. That is sincere and real love.

        If there is anyone reading this, you might feel i am all over the place and not making any sense. This is me deeply reflecting on my behaviour and realising how immature I was today. Reflecting to my conversation with my mom:

Mama: Sarah ni selfish. Sebab tu kena kawen

Me     : Taknak. selfish la tak boleh kawen

Immature gila kan? hoho. Sebab tu tak boleh kahwin.