cry me a river

some people hate tears as they are mostly a symbol of pain, sadness, frustration and hurt. But Allah creates human with the ability to cry for a reason. I always felt better after a good cry. It does not solve the problems at hand, no. But somehow they do have some kind of healing and purging effect.

So as of tonight, (no matter how weird this might sound) I am just feeling grateful that I could cry, Alhamdulillah.

p/s- i feel like i need a little saving

I tear my heart open I sew myself shut

The people who know me well would know how much I hate rejection
I just can't take rejection
So as much as I could I would avoid from being in a situation where there is a possibility I would be rejected

Now, u might say thay well its normal for everybody
But no im serious about how bad I took rejection in the past. In the same circumstance other people might at first be hurt too but then they would move on but for me I really  take it to heart and I just can't seem to move from it.

The people who know me well would know how much I hate rejection but I don't think they all would know the reason why.

Truth to be told, I think it's because I had the experience of being rejected by someone I used to love a lot. U see, the more you love,  the more vulnerable u are, the more probability of you getting hurt. When u experience that, (being rejected by someone you really love) it will scar you forever. Even when time heals, the pain will still forever etched there.

It was the most horrible experience and I barely survived it. I thought ive gone through enough pain to last for a lifetime but it seems that fate has different plan for me. Same thing is happening again. I thought I am stronger now but apparently for me the more mature I think I got, the more worse my reaction is to the situation

I realise now I have been acting as if Allah is not there all this while these things are happening.  As if Allah does not permit all these things to happen. Astaghfirullah. .

I happened to watch a video by ustaz nouman ali khan during the last week of Ramadan about how there is nothing in this world that happen without Allah permission and without His knowledge. Subhanallah I guess Allah has fated me to watch that video to prepare me for this. I am in so much pain and Allah knows. And He allows it. And l know and I believe whatever that happens is because Allah knows that it is for the best.  No matter how hard it is for me to take it. No matter how painful it is for me now. Allah is the most merciful and loving and Allah is doing this for a reason.  I might not understand it now  but I am sure it's for the best.

Help me Ya Allah to stay strong for this new test.  Please don't let me go astray.


P/s- to the one I used to love so much, its not the loss of you I am mourning for,but it is the loss of respect and trust I used to had for you. This might mean so little to you now but I am worrying for you if you would regret this when it is already too late

ode to the precious past

A day of reminiscing...

Ya Allah, please give me the strength to let go what is not mine and please replace it with something even better.

Ameen ameen ameen

obsessed

I have found that my fragile heart somehow always yearns to be obsessed over something

Ya Allah, let your mercy be always the subject of my obsession. Ameen.

sarah the astronomer

Twinkle twinkle little stars. How captivating I found you are

so today i am back in my beloved (heh) mukah

went to school after isya' prayer (yes i am that committed and hardworking, hehe, jk) to look out for the new time table so I can plan what to teach tomorrow

then I went back home, walking (my home is just inside the school compound). 

and I did what ive always loved doing while walking back. I looked at the sky. (for your information, the stars here are splendid. i guess because there are no light pollution, no tall buildings, no haze whatsoever). 

You can actually see the star constellations (buruj) clearly. I swear i have seen the northern star/polaris/buruj pari a few times already (the only constellation i am sure about because I learned about in NZ and also because it happens to be the easiest to detect hehe). I also might have seen the buruj belantik but I cant be really sure (belajar time upsr beb. which is soo long ago). Once, I had even caught the sight of a falling star, it is that amazing and magical (well at least, to me)

So while I was walking alone and watching the mesmerizing stars, I had a thought "I should have worked as an astronomer, that would be super interesting"

Although it might sound ridiculous and unattainable, I cant help but wonder how different my life would be like if I had chosen a different path. 

But havent we all do that, at least once? Wishing u are somewhere else, other than where you are right now. Wishing u look differently, from how you looked right now. Wishing u made a different choice than what u have decided now. We do it all the time, conscious or unconsciously. We especially do it when we dont have or have little control over our current situation. 

That is what we call as escapism. Wishful thinking. Although its nice entertaining the thoughts (e.g wishing u are vacationing in switzerland than in your stuffy workplace), it wont get you anywhere unless you work for it. But not all wishes are workable, yes? Like me wishing to be an astronomer, I think it is a little too late. Like some medium height person wishing to be taller, I dont think he/she can achieve that without massive painful expensive operation.

So this is what I am going to propose to myself. Make my current situation my dream. My wish. Why not? It used to be one, before Ive been burned out. I used to fight for it like hell studying for my A levels and in university. I am sure there are lots of people out there fighting to be in my place, or at least get a decent job. 

And I believe that everything has its reason. Ada hikmah. And I believe every hardship and difficulties I am facing will be repay with goodness. As mentioned by the Prophet s.a.w:

“Sungguh ajaib dalam urusan orang mukmin. Sesungguhnya setiap urusan baginya ada kebaikan dan perkara ini tidak berlaku melainkan kepada orang mukmin. Sekiranya dia diberikan sesuatu yang menggembirakan lalu dia bersyukur, dan sekiranya apabila dia ditimpa kesusahan lalu dia bersabar. Maka kebaikan baginya” (Riwayat Muslim)

“How wonderful is the affair of the believer, for his affairs are all good, and this applies to no one but the believer. If something good happens to him, he is thankful for it and that is good for him. If something bad happens to him, he bears it with patience and that is good for him.” (Narrated by Muslim, 2999).

So chaiyo Sarah. You dont have to be an astronomer to be great. At least in Allah's eyes =)

yellow rain

these stupid tears of mine cant seem to stop falling
lately i am only having reasons to write in here for sad and negative stuffs
i cant help it. i can only write well when i am emotional be it super happy, super excited, super angry or super sad

and right now i am super sad. and super confuse

its not others. its me. if i am honest i have to admit it has always been me. its me who dont know what to do with my life. its me who cant seem to figure out what I really want. its me who dont yet know what can make me really happy.

being trapped is an option. not something i cannot run from. its a choice and maybe all this while i have been choosing to stay trapped. now that i see everyone flying away that I realize i can fly too. if i want. maybe all this while i have not been wanting it strong enough

i am becoming a lost soul. but it doesnt have to stay that way.

if only i know now what should i do

negative

I am becoming someone I dont like
Someone full of negativity
God help me
I dont like this me

The more I see it, I think one thing I can guarantee I am good at is running away from my problem
I do it with full tenacity and obsession I myself am impressed
If only I am that obsessed with solving my problems