red

yesterday she was abnormally happy
happy teasing her housemates
happy using phone application that could actually make u see how you would look like after make up
happy laughing at her friend's ridiculously ugly picture of what could be her future son/daughter picture after using the apps that could combine you and your spouse's face

in all that giddiness and happiness she did wonder to herself why is she this happy, surely there is no catch to this? she silently hoped.

She hoped. but luck is not on her side.

so it's true then, what her mother has always told her. Don't laugh too much, or you will cry later. Well at least, in her case.

there is nothing that yesterday's simple carefree moment can prepare for what she had to face today.

it's not like she didnt know that there is high possibility that her worst experience would repeat itself again. it's not like she did not try to harden her heart to prepare for that possibility, so that she wont feel as much hurt and pain again. but she cant help but stupidly hope. hope that there is some sense in that person to think about other's people feeling for once instead of his own gratification.

that past scar, might become fainter now, but it is still not fully healed. but no, that person dont think that pain is hurtful enough. that he had to cut, slash, slit, crush, it again and again.

she wishes she can choose to be heart-less. so she will stop hurting. or at least she can turn her heart into a stone, and stop feeling anything ever again.

she wishes for many things.

 but wishes dont seem to be too fond of her.

i miss king's confectionery

it's amazing u know,

how we could actually change.

how there are matters that used to bother you so much you dont want to even think/consider about it
suddenly you find yourself surviving that and doing okay

i guess sometimes we are stronger than we give ourselves credit for


p/s- missing my bestfriends=(

on repeat

Sendiri
Sendiri ku diam
Diam dan merenung
Merenungkan jalan yang kan membawaku pergi
Pergi ‘tuk menjauh
Menjauh darimu
Darimu yang mulai berhenti
Berhenti mencoba
Mencoba bertahan
Bertahan untuk terus bersamaku

Ku berlari kau terdiam
Ku menangis kau tersenyum
Ku berduka kau bahagia
Ku pergi kau kembali

Ku coba meraih mimpi
Kau coba ‘tuk hentikan mimpi
Memang kita takkan menyatu

Bayangkan
Bayangkan ku hilang
Hilang tak kembali
Kembali untuk mempertanyakan lagi cinta
Cintamu yang mungkin
Mungkin tak berarti
Berarti untuk ku rindukan

Ku berlari kau terdiam
Ku menangis kau tersenyum
Ku berduka kau bahagia
Ku pergi kau kembali

Ku coba meraih mimpi
Kau coba ‘tuk hentikan mimpi
Memang kita takkan menyatu

Ini harusnya kita coba saling melupakan
Lupakan
Lupakan kita pernah saling bersama

Ku berlari kau terdiam
Ku menangis kau tersenyum
Ku berduka kau bahagia
Ku pergi kau kembali

Ku coba meraih mimpi
Kau coba ‘tuk hentikan mimpi
Memang kita takkan menyatu

cry me a river

some people hate tears as they are mostly a symbol of pain, sadness, frustration and hurt. But Allah creates human with the ability to cry for a reason. I always felt better after a good cry. It does not solve the problems at hand, no. But somehow they do have some kind of healing and purging effect.

So as of tonight, (no matter how weird this might sound) I am just feeling grateful that I could cry, Alhamdulillah.

p/s- i feel like i need a little saving

I tear my heart open I sew myself shut

The people who know me well would know how much I hate rejection
I just can't take rejection
So as much as I could I would avoid from being in a situation where there is a possibility I would be rejected

Now, u might say thay well its normal for everybody
But no im serious about how bad I took rejection in the past. In the same circumstance other people might at first be hurt too but then they would move on but for me I really  take it to heart and I just can't seem to move from it.

The people who know me well would know how much I hate rejection but I don't think they all would know the reason why.

Truth to be told, I think it's because I had the experience of being rejected by someone I used to love a lot. U see, the more you love,  the more vulnerable u are, the more probability of you getting hurt. When u experience that, (being rejected by someone you really love) it will scar you forever. Even when time heals, the pain will still forever etched there.

It was the most horrible experience and I barely survived it. I thought ive gone through enough pain to last for a lifetime but it seems that fate has different plan for me. Same thing is happening again. I thought I am stronger now but apparently for me the more mature I think I got, the more worse my reaction is to the situation

I realise now I have been acting as if Allah is not there all this while these things are happening.  As if Allah does not permit all these things to happen. Astaghfirullah. .

I happened to watch a video by ustaz nouman ali khan during the last week of Ramadan about how there is nothing in this world that happen without Allah permission and without His knowledge. Subhanallah I guess Allah has fated me to watch that video to prepare me for this. I am in so much pain and Allah knows. And He allows it. And l know and I believe whatever that happens is because Allah knows that it is for the best.  No matter how hard it is for me to take it. No matter how painful it is for me now. Allah is the most merciful and loving and Allah is doing this for a reason.  I might not understand it now  but I am sure it's for the best.

Help me Ya Allah to stay strong for this new test.  Please don't let me go astray.


P/s- to the one I used to love so much, its not the loss of you I am mourning for,but it is the loss of respect and trust I used to had for you. This might mean so little to you now but I am worrying for you if you would regret this when it is already too late

ode to the precious past

A day of reminiscing...

Ya Allah, please give me the strength to let go what is not mine and please replace it with something even better.

Ameen ameen ameen

obsessed

I have found that my fragile heart somehow always yearns to be obsessed over something

Ya Allah, let your mercy be always the subject of my obsession. Ameen.