Monday, December 19, 2016

Because I dont want to forget this (part 1)

Assalamualaikumwarahmatullahiwabarokatuh (amik mood baru balik mekah)
So it's been exactly a week since I came back to Malaysia after performing umrah with my parents. 

Suka sangat sampai gelak tak ingat dunia hehe

To be honest, since then, Ive been in a state of normlessness. I mean I was in Madinah and Mecca for almost 2 weeks, where everyday is packed with spiritual activities, walking a lot (the distance from our hotel to the masjeed was quite far, im glad i have gained some stamina from my hiking activities), shopping in between, sleeping early as we also woke up very early (at 3 a.m almost everyday) to suddenly having too much time for my own good at home not knowing what to do. To make it worse, I am having that time of the month where I cant pray. So it's kind of a drastic change for me. I feel weird. Too guilty to start watching Korean drama, I resulted just to read novels and even doing that doesnt make me feel good. I am missing that feeling I felt when I was there, but I just dont know what to do about it.

Now apart from NZ, this would also be the place I will always be missing

So here I am today, I guess it's time for me to blog about my experience. Not just for anybody, more than that it is for my own reminder. Of how lucky I was to get that experience, to be invited, to be there.

The trip that almost didnt happen

Memang, sekarang ni kita tengok orang pergi umrah macam siapa siapa pun boleh pergi kan. And compared to doing Hajj, people are more willing to do umrah and apart from it's cheaper, shorter and easier, I think people are more happy to go umrah is because there are less scary story about "Allah's retribution" to our sins during umrah. Padahal kita ni dah banyak sangat disogokkan dengan cerita cerita mastika kann?? Padahal kalau Allah nak kasi balasan anytime je. Haji ke Umrah ke. Kat Mekah ke kat Malaysia ke. Kan kat mana mana pun bumi Allah juga?  But I digress. Let's get back to being invited again. Yes, it's not Hajj, it's just Umrah but it is still an invitation by Allah nevertheless. If you think just anyone can go as long as they have money, you are wrong. And even when you think it's impossible for you to go in your current condition, if Allah wills for you to go, you will still get to go, against all odds. 

And I think that is what happened to me. Ive been having a dream to go there since i was still in school. And that feeling intensify when I was in Uni. But when Saudi Arabia decided to implement the rules where young women need to be accompanied by only their closest mahram (either husband, father, brother or uncle (cannot tumpang) my dream kind of shattered. Yela, nak harap pergi dengan husband entah bila nak jumpa husbandnya. Nak pergi dengan ayah, ayah has already performed his Hajj and umrah a few times, I dont think he has the need to do it again any time soon, nak pergi dengan brother, brother belajar pun x abes lagi and I cant afford to pay for him yet. So imagined my surprise when out of a sudden my dad suddenly asked me if I would like to perform umrah like around 2 months ago, of course I said YESS. I felt as if one of the prayers ive said during ramadhan, or maybe the prayer I requested from an ustaz performing the hajj has been answered, I couldnt be more grateful. Me? This person who has sinned a lot. Who at times focused more on worldly pleasured than the afterlife. Who slacks a lot. I was humbled really humbled by the opportunity to go there.

But even then I still feel scared that I dont get to go so I dont really tell about it to lots of people. I do all the things that need to be done to attain a visa, bought some tudung and telekung but im still too scared to be excited about it. Because I know this is an invitation by Allah, and He can cancel it anytime if He wants to. And then guess what happens? The date when we're supposed to fly got postponed. From 26th Nov to 29th. Ok that is still ok. We're still going anyway right? I should be patient although in my heart I felt a little bit uneasy. And guess what, on the evening on the 28th we got to know that there are some problems with our flight arrangement and we are being postponed to other dates indefinitely. My mum told me that if the date is later than 1st Dec than we have to cancel because my mom have some urgent matters she needs to attend to that cant be postponed.

 That was when I really cried. I was bawling my eyes out to be exact. Sobbing, I was asking my mom "Sarah tak dapat pergi sebab sarah banyak dosa ke ma?", while regretting what Ive been doing in the previous weeks leading to the day. Yela banyak kali cuba puasa instagram. Ive uninstalled it many times but and then it only lasted for one day before I installed it again. huhuu i guess i have a very poor self control. My mom in her attempt to make me feel better told me that it would be better to go next year, so we can bring my other sister, Amy, along. But in my head I was screaming "next year?? next year is sooo far away. I might even die before i get to go!!"

This is what i am talking about when I said going there is an invitation. No matter how close you are to going, if Allah doesnt permit it to happen, it is not going to happen..


(to be continued...)


Saturday, November 5, 2016

Hey old fren

Its funny how your old life can out of nowhere snuck on you
All this while youve moved on
You dont even think about that person anymore
And suddenly bamm it all comes back to you like a bullet train
You found yourself scavenging for old letters, old emails, old mementos
Just to reenact that feelings
On how happy u were
On how you treasured u feel
On how relief when youre being listened to
When you once again read the words

And then comes the aftermath
When you realize you can never reach out to them anymore
When u realize what you have is gone for good
When u realize what you had was special but u didnt appreciate it enough while it lasts
Its heartbreaking

I'll let myself walk down the memory lane
This one time
Just for today
Before i move on
Once again

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Sometimes it comes back to you

Just when you thought you are all okay and getting better
That feeling comes back and hit you in the gut like nothing else
You wish to run away
But you cant
You wish to be the bigger person and choose to be happy even when that happiness is about others
But youre stuck in your own pit you cant look at others but your pain

And when you cant really share it to anyone
Because you've somehow lost people who can understand
Who can relate
You're stuck even more

But that is the best time where you weep to The One
Who would understand
Who is the only one who can elevate the pain
Who will stay
Who wont run away
Who ultimately has the key to the doors of solutions

I wish i could just disappear
Into thin air
Without a trace
Without a shadow
So i wont feel the pain anymore

But i know
The pain, like anything else that comes from The One
Is meant to be there for a reason
And even when i dont understand the reason
I understand His love and His mercy
He is not doing it to torture me
He is doing it to teach
To bring out a better stronger me
Even when at times (many) i feel like im breaking into pieces

I have faith in Your plan for me
And even when im sad, knowing that you will not burden me more than I could bear is a consolation enough
For me to be patient, to stay resilient

Because you know
You'll always know me better than anyone else
Because you're closer to me than my jugular vein


Tuesday, May 24, 2016

Easier said than done

Allah promises that He will not burden you more than you could shoulder,

but still,

that doesnt make the burden any lighter.

Hoping and praying for strength and continuous faith




Sunday, January 24, 2016

If only

Lately, i have found myself wishing I could change things that has already happened
I have been saying 'if only' more and more

Which is bad
Because ive heard once how the word 'if' is actually the devil's trick to make you become ungrateful, to make you waste your time to dwell on something useless, to make you blame fate

Ya Allah
Please guide my heart
Please dont leave me astray
Keep me among those who you guide

Please dont let me want the wrong things


Amin

Saturday, January 23, 2016

Sarah si mak supir

Picking up sofea from her art class
Decided to come back home because of the three days break just to an empty house
Well, not really empty tp hampirlah
Mom is in Lombok, Indonesia, for her work place's team building session
Ayah is not around this week
Amy went to Ipoh for her friend's wedding
Atie is going out with her friend
Amir is home tp sama je ada ke xde as he will wake up late and then will be stuck in front of the computer playing games
Sofea has tuition and art class

Which means I am the mak supir of the day, sending and fetching up sofea to her classes.

And doing this for the whole day, go out to send her and then come home and then wait until its time to pick her up again-I dont know how mothers do it without complaining, because although its not difficult, but doing the same thing over and over again week in and week out-it's boringggg (plus sbb xde orang and xde aktiviti nk buat kat rumah kut today)
And I guess thats the difference between a mom and everyone else,they do things so selflessly it seemed so effortless until you have to replace her doing the tasks, and then u know.

Sama juga, I used to ask my mom to come visit me back when I was in boarding school in Sabak Bernam if possible every weekend with the stupidest excuses (like biskut abes, pdhal orang lain boleh je gi outing beli sendiri, rindu la, homesick la). And my mom would try her best to come. And she did this all on her own, because my dad worked in Sudan at that time. She would drive all 3 hours to and fro.

Tu x masuk minggu pulang bermalam. Selagi boleh I would ask her to send me as late as possible back to school. The curfew is at 6 p.m, so I would say no to come back any earlier, without realising how late it was for my mom by the time she arrived home. How selfish I was at that time huh?

I only realized how strenuous doing all this when I can drive, and because at that time my work place (mrsm kkb) was quite along the way to my sister's boarding school in SMS Kuala Selangor, my mom asked me to help pick her up. Driving alone, in the afternoon, for 2 hours, only then did I realize what my mom has done for me all this while. And its not only for me, but for her 3 other children who studied in boarding schools. If its up to me, if God willing i have children in the future, I would even consider asking them to not go to boarding schools. Hahaha. Its just too tiring! And we are not even talking about the toll and gas to be paid!

But of course, I am talking from the perspective of someone who does not have children yet, so I guess I dont quite understand what it means to be willing to sacrifice anything-your money, your resting time, your energy, your weekend, your own life, basically anything, just so that you get to see your children will have a better future.

Haha funny how I started writing this post with the intention of ranting, but ended up being insaf and missing my parents moree. (See how writing is good for u? Its a form of relection!)

To all super parents out there, I salute you! Thank you for making our lives as children awesome no matter how bratty we could be at times;p


Okla its time to whatsapp my mom and tell her I love and miss her=)
Have a happy weekend and let it be the weekend where we are among the grateful ones

Friday, January 22, 2016

two oh one six

I just realized how I only posted 3 entries last year.

Oh no

I guess the age is catching up on me and my hectic lifestyle (hectic la sangat) didnt allow me with much time to sit down and reflect and tell. Or maybe because I dont find anything interesting anymore (oh no!!)

Ok tak perlu over. I guess it's just that last year ive grown accustomed to post stuffs on my Instagram instead. I have found new things that I am passionate in-hills hiking! (can you believe it, hiking? me?). It is more convenient and fast and easy but I guess because it is more easy it becomes less meaningful.

And sooo.. this is what I have decided today-to write more! And also because I need to teach kids to write good essays, so I guess I must start with myself first

 I pray that this year I will be writing about a lot of happy stuffs and great news, ameen.
(thats how new years are-they make people feel hopeful.) Wishing a happier year for everyone everywhere around the world too.. Ameen=))

[teruknyaa post sebab da lama x menulis -_-')




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