Saturday, October 17, 2015

Home is where the hunt is

You dont say it
Not in so many words
But through how you look at me
Through your half hearted smile
Through your body language
You might as well scream it to my ears

That I am the source
The constant source of disappointment
The living prove of your failure
You wish you could just turn or run away from

People say distance makes the heart grows fonder
But why dont they talk about how hearts might only be fond when they are apart
Not when they are together?

What do you do when the place you seek refuge is also the place your heart found menace?
So where do you run to?

I know, I am aware
 I am at fault
So guide me
Dont hate me

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Birthday resolution 2015

I feel that I need to write this somewhere. So here goes:

Things to do everyday (steps to become a better person)

1. Strive to pray early
2. Read at least 4 pages of quran everyday
3. Read at least one academic article everyday (instead of clicking the 'save' button with the intention to read it later, but I never did)
4. No matter how sucky the news are nowadays, read it everyday. Be in the know so you can teach the kids better about whats going on in the world
5. Spend only 2.5 hours tops in watching something that is entertainment related, regardless whether you are free all day long or not. Too much of entertainment makes you become stupid sarah, please realise that
6. Strive to increase the number of voluntary prayers. Kau sembahyang tu bukannya khusyuk. Maka sedar-sedar dirilah
7. Smile more
8. Wake up everyday with the intention of helping at least one person
9. Post a Facebook status that can increase people's awareness on an important issue or tazkirah-related or hadith or quran translation at least twice a weak
10. Less procrastination

Ive been procrastinating a lot lately, that I feel really guilty. All around me ive been receiving and reading news on how people suddenly die/ fall into coma. And it stirred something inside of me. Life is too short for me to become a useless person. So I feel that I need to take charge, and change. And making this resolution is one of the steps.

To others, it might not be a very impressive list, but for me, right now, knowing how lackadaisical I have become lately, if I can put a tick for everything that is on the list, it is an accomplishment enough and I will be a very happy girl.

this is sarah and I am striving to be the change I want to see.  

Thursday, April 16, 2015

I is sad

            I am a transparent person. Very. People who know me know very well about that. It is very obvious when i am happy, when I am angry, when I am sad, when I am miserable. Even if I try, I'd do a very miserable job concealing my emotions.

            Being the way that I am, has its own advantages and disadvantages. Advantages: (tapping my hand and thinking hard. ok rupanya takde HAHA). Disadvantages: I got into a lot of unnecessary conflict with other people, especially the ones I am close with. The reason being is because when I am upset, I usually let it be known that I am upset, through both actions and words. Example: I dont like the way how my friend is being snappish at me over no reason just because she feels like being moody. Instead of being patient and give her some space and let it go, I am the kind who would not be able to take that kind of attitude therefore I would tell that straight to her face. And of course, I am not helping the situation at all with her already being moody at the first place. So usually we ended up being in a stupid cold war, which in actuality, can easily be avoided if I'd just be the bigger women and let it go. 

          Ive been in that situation for countless times. And I ended up regretting it many times too.  You know, sometimes, even when you know you're right, some battles are not worth starting. Especially when you are being sad over something your loved ones are doing. Why create the unnecessary conflict of hurting others just because you were hurt at the first place? You are hurt, yes, but does it make you feel better when your loved ones are hurt too, because of you? 

         Life is not always about getting a fair treatment. Especially in regards to love. You dont go loving someone expecting they love you as much as you love them. You might feel you're in heaven when that is the case, but when it is not, it is sad, yes, but it should be fulfilling too, in its own right. Therefore, in the case when you are hurting, true love is when you would hide your pain so that they can smile when they look at you, thinking you're fine and happy too. That is sincere and real love.

        If there is anyone reading this, you might feel i am all over the place and not making any sense. This is me deeply reflecting on my behaviour and realising how immature I was today. Reflecting to my conversation with my mom:

Mama: Sarah ni selfish. Sebab tu kena kawen
Me     : Taknak. selfish la tak boleh kawen

Immature gila kan? hoho. Sebab tu tak boleh kahwin.

Saturday, January 10, 2015

Day 2: Of biawak, tracksuits and Shopping Complex

Cantik kan kan kan? Picture is without any filter

So I decided to stop moping around over my fate of being alone and company-less this weekend

After pouring my heart out to my old housemate and she ridiculing me on being so lembik over this trivial matter and talking about stupid stuff a thing or two, I was back to my old self- confident, strong, without a care in the world. Hah! In my dream HAHA.  No la,  but I was back to being a more logical and positive thinking person

         Deciding I should take advantage of the beautiful green lake just outside the gate of the school (seriously, it is so green green green everywhere, I feel it is believable that all those pixies and fairies and elves we read in the children story book can really exist here), I made the resolution to wake up early and jog the next morning. Surely this is the activity one can do alone without appearing awkward, right? But I guess God has other plans for me. I overslept and by the time I'm ready it was already 8.30. But that is still consider very early in the morning kan? Although I did have second thoughts on just staying at home and do zumba workout instead, I felt that I'll be very ashamed of myself for having such a weak commitment so I still decided to go.

       While driving there, I met few joggers who are already red-faced, out of breath, sweating profusely, already walking slowly. What?? Are they done already?? Seriously at what time these guys woke up? Four?? I also met a few of groups of male joggers, and nil female joggers. And that made me really nervous. I mean, why must all these group of men jog together? Bukan perempuan je ke biasanya jogging beramai ramai? I mean what are these men scared of? So in return, I become the one who were scared of them. 

      Considering the fact that it might be dangerous for me to jog alone I continued driving until I finally found a spot which is more busy with old citizens and family members. Parked the car, crossed the road, walked slowly while still making decisions whether I should really jog today, I realized it was getting too hot already. Ok takpela, amik gambar tasik je, I decided. And that is when I saw a crocodile swimming slowly but menace-fully in the lake. OMG, crocodile in the lake?? Really? Is this place really suitable for people to bring over their small kids? I was asking all these questions in my mind before I realized it was actually a lizard, a very big one at that. I was really about to take picture of the big swimming lizard and post it to social media (like everyone loves to do when finding something interesting that is boast-worthy) when it decided to rest from its swim and go climb the tebing very near to where I was standing. NICE. Very nice. So I had to cancel my intention and go save myself instead. Its not that I am scared of reptiles or anything, seriously, I can even touch snakes at the zoo, but at that time I remembered what my mum used to tell me: "biawak kalau gigit orang dia takkan lepas sampai bunyi petir". Ok, I dont know if that is a mitos or apa but I am not going to find that out today. Dahla tak nmpk mcm nak hujan pun. hoho

       So back in the car, feeling sad for being such a loser who cant even jog, I called my friend who also had gone through the experience of being transferred to a new place with zero friends at the start. And anyway, I really need my talking fix for today, or I'll go crazy. She cheered me on, saying "this too shall pass" while I wailed saying I cant wait for it to pass alreadyy. Seriously, I was jealous seeing everyone I saw who is with friends, I was even jealous of the birds flying together!

        Feeling a little bit better after talking to her, since I am already out, I decided to go and buy the ironing board while getting to know the town better. Konon konon nak independent la dari guna waze sebab nk belajar ingat jalan tapi last last sesat lagi sikit nak masuk highway pergi Alor Setar.Hoh. I ended up going to AEON Taiping, with my tracksuit, tshirt purple mrsm mukah and sport shoes no less. HUAAA selekeh abes, just not my kind of style. Dah la kedai pun tak bukak lagi. Pekerja-pekerja siap masih tunggu lagi kat luar. HAHA. Sebab dah tau kedai AEON tu ada jual perkakasan rumah jugak, I straight away head to the shop right after it struck 10 a.m. And guess what, because I was their first customer, all these workers were actually lining up dekat depan kedai dan sepanjang jalan masuk to greet me as if I am some kind of an heir or a Shopping Complex tycoon I watch on Korean dramas. Seriously, if you watch stairway to heaven you'll know what I mean. Dahla I was feeling really conscious wearing my tracksuits kasut sport and all. NICE, really nice! Haihh..

        Anyway, even with all the hiccups and embarrassing moment, I'm still glad I went out daripada terkurung dalam bilik menangisi nasib hidup bersendirian. At least I got a story to tell, hah? ;)


Friday, January 9, 2015

Day 1

Familiarity and being familiar is a privilege
And I only realize that when I am the outsider

Today was the day when I started working at my new school
For your info, I was dreading about this since I knew I got to be transferred here
Not to be grateful or anything, I mean I am glad I am now only a driving distance from my hometown (although it still takes 3 hours, and for the record, driving alone really sucks, and no amount of sing along songs that u've asked your brother to burn into the CD would help you stay awake. Keeping my focus on the road was a real challenge)
It's just that I really dont look forward to being the new thing in town.

Before today, I thought the thing that would make me uncomfortable is people giving me unwanted attention. Somehow being new you just stand out, no matter how bland you try to be. You become a curious thing, an unanswered mystery. Heh, I sure can be imaginative. Instead, today I realize that what I hate more than that is the unfamiliarity with others. As I watched my new housemate greeting her colleagues and asking questions about their holiday and chit chatting about the latest gossip in the media, I suddenly felt terribly lonely. I mean you only get to do that when you are close with them. As a new thing I just stood beside her trying my best to smile sweetly and secretly hoping people would give me some attention and just ask me about anything because I just couldnt stand being beside her and not knowing what to say to this group of people who are talking animatedly about the stuff I have totally no idea about. 

During that time, I cant help wondering how it would be like if I am at my old workplace, during the first day of school. Surely I'll be the minah kepoh asking everyone about their cuti. I can almost guarantee you my voice would be one of the faintly visible ones while the Principal is giving a speech about the more serious but boring matter in front. I guess it just sucks not being able to be myself. Dont get me wrong, I know I can make friends easily, I talk a lot and I can crack a lot of stupid jokes (but only with friends that have the same level of jokes hehe) but I mean you can only do those stuffs when you're familiar with that person, right? 

Therefore, right now, I am really missing all my familiar friends who know how I am like and accept me for what I really am. I am having the weekend all to myself. Since I find dining alone would make me look pathetic, I am so not looking forward to drive around the town miserably ordering take outs. 

Cant wait to put this awkward phase behind me so I can get back to being my makcik kepoh self pronto! 

Sunday, January 4, 2015

2015. say a little prayer

Less tears more laughter please, that's all im praying for. Praying the same for everybody too <3 p="">

dari mana nk kemana

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