Sunday, November 14, 2010

aku bukan malaikat

i write best when I am emotional. I might not be the most rational at that time but I am definitely being the most honest. If I were to write how I felt right after I knew somebody has made a "passing remark" about me yesterday, this entry would be of a different tone. But tonight's entry is based on a rather long contemplation and reflection on what other people talk about me and if I am justified to get pissed off out of it.

so I've heard about how somebody has talked about me, about how me, as someone they labelled as 'kakak usrah' has been displaying behaviour that they think do not suit my title. And its not just somebody anybody, it was from a friend (and I dont know exactly who). Hearing that, I was furious for 2 reasons:

  1. they are talking behind my back. If I really did something bad, why cant they just come to me upfront and tell me to my face so I can change my ways?
  2. I hate the fact that when people label me as 'kakak usrah' they would assume that I am maksum, and that I should be perfect free from sins while it is ok for them to do such things

For people who doesnt know, this year is actually a big leap for me. I have changed a lot, and the most obvious change is in the change of my appearance. I am wearing bigger hijabs. What inspire this? Lets just simply say that this year I feel more obligated to show good examples, because I have to practice what I preach. To be honest, I actually asked my mum to post me hijabs that are not see through and bigger than the usual bawal style hijab, she end up sending me a wayy bigger hijabs that made me scared, just to look at it. 

Why? Because I knew that once I put on the hijab, my whole world would change. It means the change of my whole wardrobe: I cant possibly wear those kind of hijab with tight jeans can i?. It means the change of how I interact with people:  I cant possibly wear those big hijabs and mingle and laugh freely with the non-muhrims without people looking at me funnily can I? It means the change of my hobbies: I cant possibly wear that kind of hijabs reading love stories when people would associate me as someone who reads only the quran and religious blogs all the time can I? And this is the hardest one- it means the change of personalities: I cant possibly be as assertive as I was, commenting on every single things about other people and stuffs when people would associate people who wears that kind of hijab as someone who is reserved, soft spoken, talk only when its really important and every single word that come out of my mouth is a gem, can I? 

Funny how a piece of cloth can be so powerful and significant huh?

If I were to come back to me 5 years ago and show her the picture of how I look now, she would not be able to believe it I can change that much. My mum sending the wrong size (at that time) hijab was actually a blessing in disguise. At that time I never thought I would ever wear it: its just not me. I am not that girl, I just cant see myself being that good and pious.But once I've donned that piece of hijab, (I was really really conscious at that time, and I saw the look of people shocked at my new appearance, but no one commented anything, it was a relieved), there is just no turning back. I like how I look, no, it was an understatement, i LOVE how I look. I feel more at peace even if it means that I have to abandoned 70% of the clothes in my wardrobe and I have limited of 'sopan' blouses that can suit that big hijab. Even if it means I might look unfashionable to others. As long as Allah please, as long as Allah please.Its just a piece of cloth, but wearing it made me want to do good all the time, because I dont want to ruin the image of a Muslim. Wearing it made me wanted to be closer to my Rabb, and make me work harder for that- learn more about Islam, put more effort to spread the Deen, striving to do things that I pray He would be please.

But you know what, changing a personality that has been developed through years of socialization and family upbringing and experiences, is not as easy as changing appearance. I've been living like that for 22 years before I chose to change. I dont know if there might be others who can make a 360 degrees turn that they are a completely new better person but for me, its not that easy. It has only been a few months, the old me is still here inside me. It is a part of me. Sometimes I still do the things that the old me would do and take as granted, forgetting that for the new me, people would see that as unacceptable. Sometimes I am still guilty talking bad about other people, forgetting that I should not ruin the image of a 'big hijab' person. Sometimes I do wish that people would stop seeing me as someone that is a really good person when in truth I am flawed in many ways, I've sinned in every single day. Sometimes I wish people could just see me as me, not some kind of saint or angel, because I am not! Believe it or not, I am in a constant struggle with myself every single day, just like everybody else

But once I thought hard about it, once I've reflected on about how people are talking bad about me because I did that and did this when 'people like me' should only do that and do this, it is actually Allah's way to remind me that I should change, that I am not good enough as I thought I have been. So, going back for the 2 reason that I have given above as a justification reason for being angry, here is the rebuttal:

  1. well sarah, you are sometimes guilty of talking behind other people too. What rights do you have to get angry when you are also doing the same thing to other people? Something gotta change, fast. Now you know how it feels when people talk bad behind of you, imagine how other people would feel too. If you dont want people to talk bad about you, you should stop doing that too
  2. People seeing you as someone who cant and shouldnt commit a sin is actually a blessing. It just means that you have to work harder to fulfill their expectations. Not because you care about what they are saying, but because you care about how Allah think of you. Its not a bad thing that they are thinking like that of you, it just means that you have to be more careful and aware of how you act, how you talk because people are seeing and listening. I mean, it is better that people are concern about you not being good enough from people dont comment anything about you when you do bad stuffs because they expect that from you, right?  In a way, their expectations are actually a way for you to take care of yourself, especially in the iman department. 

For other people and friends who are reading this, on your part, I just wish you could be more understanding. This new me, is still very new and I am still learning and relearning every single hour every single day. If you cant support me, the least you can do is do nothing,  not let me down. Lets strive to not talk badly about other people (it is super hard I know, but insyaAllah not impossible) because trust me, when you know that people talk about you, you would be hurt, and you cant even be angry about it.

This might be the longest post ever in my blog, and it truly comes from the depth of my heart. I am truly truly sorry if I have hurt anybody.

Every single thing that happen to us is a blessing, if we know the right way of looking at it and if we remember, that Allah is the most merciful, most loving

dari mana nk kemana

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