Because I dont want to forget this (part 1)

Assalamualaikumwarahmatullahiwabarokatuh (amik mood baru balik mekah)

So it's been exactly a week since I came back to Malaysia after performing umrah with my parents. 

Suka sangat sampai gelak tak ingat dunia hehe

To be honest, since then, Ive been in a state of normlessness. I mean I was in Madinah and Mecca for almost 2 weeks, where everyday is packed with spiritual activities, walking a lot (the distance from our hotel to the masjeed was quite far, im glad i have gained some stamina from my hiking activities), shopping in between, sleeping early as we also woke up very early (at 3 a.m almost everyday) to suddenly having too much time for my own good at home not knowing what to do. To make it worse, I am having that time of the month where I cant pray. So it's kind of a drastic change for me. I feel weird. Too guilty to start watching Korean drama, I resulted just to read novels and even doing that doesnt make me feel good. I am missing that feeling I felt when I was there, but I just dont know what to do about it.

Now apart from NZ, this would also be the place I will always be missing

So here I am today, I guess it's time for me to blog about my experience. Not just for anybody, more than that it is for my own reminder. Of how lucky I was to get that experience, to be invited, to be there.

The trip that almost didnt happen

Memang, sekarang ni kita tengok orang pergi umrah macam siapa siapa pun boleh pergi kan. And compared to doing Hajj, people are more willing to do umrah and apart from it's cheaper, shorter and easier, I think people are more happy to go umrah is because there are less scary story about "Allah's retribution" to our sins during umrah. Padahal kita ni dah banyak sangat disogokkan dengan cerita cerita mastika kann?? Padahal kalau Allah nak kasi balasan anytime je. Haji ke Umrah ke. Kat Mekah ke kat Malaysia ke. Kan kat mana mana pun bumi Allah juga?  But I digress. Let's get back to being invited again. Yes, it's not Hajj, it's just Umrah but it is still an invitation by Allah nevertheless. If you think just anyone can go as long as they have money, you are wrong. And even when you think it's impossible for you to go in your current condition, if Allah wills for you to go, you will still get to go, against all odds. 

And I think that is what happened to me. Ive been having a dream to go there since i was still in school. And that feeling intensify when I was in Uni. But when Saudi Arabia decided to implement the rules where young women need to be accompanied by only their closest mahram (either husband, father, brother or uncle (cannot tumpang) my dream kind of shattered. Yela, nak harap pergi dengan husband entah bila nak jumpa husbandnya. Nak pergi dengan ayah, ayah has already performed his Hajj and umrah a few times, I dont think he has the need to do it again any time soon, nak pergi dengan brother, brother belajar pun x abes lagi and I cant afford to pay for him yet. So imagined my surprise when out of a sudden my dad suddenly asked me if I would like to perform umrah like around 2 months ago, of course I said YESS. I felt as if one of the prayers ive said during ramadhan, or maybe the prayer I requested from an ustaz performing the hajj has been answered, I couldnt be more grateful. Me? This person who has sinned a lot. Who at times focused more on worldly pleasured than the afterlife. Who slacks a lot. I was humbled really humbled by the opportunity to go there.

But even then I still feel scared that I dont get to go so I dont really tell about it to lots of people. I do all the things that need to be done to attain a visa, bought some tudung and telekung but im still too scared to be excited about it. Because I know this is an invitation by Allah, and He can cancel it anytime if He wants to. And then guess what happens? The date when we're supposed to fly got postponed. From 26th Nov to 29th. Ok that is still ok. We're still going anyway right? I should be patient although in my heart I felt a little bit uneasy. And guess what, on the evening on the 28th we got to know that there are some problems with our flight arrangement and we are being postponed to other dates indefinitely. My mum told me that if the date is later than 1st Dec than we have to cancel because my mom have some urgent matters she needs to attend to that cant be postponed.

 That was when I really cried. I was bawling my eyes out to be exact. Sobbing, I was asking my mom "Sarah tak dapat pergi sebab sarah banyak dosa ke ma?", while regretting what Ive been doing in the previous weeks leading to the day. Yela banyak kali cuba puasa instagram. Ive uninstalled it many times but and then it only lasted for one day before I installed it again. huhuu i guess i have a very poor self control. My mom in her attempt to make me feel better told me that it would be better to go next year, so we can bring my other sister, Amy, along. But in my head I was screaming "next year?? next year is sooo far away. I might even die before i get to go!!"

This is what i am talking about when I said going there is an invitation. No matter how close you are to going, if Allah doesnt permit it to happen, it is not going to happen..

(to be continued...)