Saturday, October 17, 2020

Late night thoughts

 I was trying to finish the work that is long overdue right now. 

The unfinished bothersome works that made me feel not at ease.

The unfinished bothersome works that made me feel embarrassed and want to run away whenever I meet the boss as I know I still owe him the work

The unfinished bothersome work that can be done if I can just stay focus and finally do it.

But here I am, out of nowhere, appearing in my old blog after a thousand of years.

I am still amazed I still remembered the password, I guess it is meant to be.

I guess I just to let it out. That unsettled feeling that I have been having lately. Writing has always helped me to put things into a perspective so maybe I should write about it here. Afterall, who reads blog anymore, right? Right. So hopefully I wont be judged. And pitied, especially pitied. As I really hate this

You see, my life took a turn for the worse on the 31st of August. Just the previous night, my mom was talking about how excited she is to come to Taiping to celebrate her 1st granddaughter's (my daughter) birthday party. We were planning for a small family gathering, from both side of the family (mine and my husband's). Later at night, mom even whatsapped us, asking if we want to go to a dim sum place for breakfast. 

That's why the next day I was all ready to go breakfast with the whole family only to find out that my mom was not well and she asked us to go, without her. She said her stomach is bothering her, and I can see from the look of her face that she was really in pain. But she passed it off as gas, saying that it will go away.

When we were back from our breakfast (we ended up just going to a nearby mamak), my husband noticed that my mom was really in pain and he insisted bringing mom to the clinic. The doctor asked her to go to a hospital instead, suspecting it was appendicitis. So my husband brought her to SJMC. Because we were going back to Taiping in the evening, my mom asked my husband to go home 1st while she waited with my sister.

I was worried but I thought nothing much about it as I thought it was really her apendics. I had just finished my Zohor prayer and was about to start packing for our journey back when my husband entered the room and said "The doctor said it might be cancer. But they need to do scan to confirm".

I couldnt believe what I heard. "What? Biar betul?"

My heart was beating fast. My mind was everywhere. And I prayed that it wont be true. Please dont be true.

I was thinking of staying and not going back but my husband advise against it. After all, nothing is confirmed yet. And isnt it better to save the leave for when I really need it?, he reasoned. And I had to agree although my mind and my heart was no longer at ease.

We go and meet mom at the emergency room before we went back to Taiping where she cant barely whisper her goodbye. It was heartbreaking. I cried almost all the way on my journey back to Taiping. All I can think of were all the unnecessary fights I had with her. In the car, I even made a nazar to fast a week if Mama is not diagnosed with cancer. I even fasted the next day, because I know the prayer of those who are fasting is easily answered.

But Allah has better plans. He always has. Even not in the way we can understand. Even when His plans sometimes feel like a punishment. Even when you have to push yourself to believe that He gives you tests because He loves you, and He wants to elevate your ranks. 

My prayer was not answered this time. Mama was diagnosed with colon cancer. Stage 4.

I was at school when I received the news. Imagine, how could I stay calm when I just heard the worst news of my life. How could I still teach and act professionally at this time?

I couldnt. I dont want my colleagues to see my tears. I could feel that I was about to breakdown. So I ran back home where the flood of tears break free. Where everything in the house reminded of my mom who had visited me just 2 weeks prior just to help me care for my sick child. The onions, which we bought because she insisted to cook for us. The batu lesung that she used while holding my daughter who refused to let go of her, the room that she used with my sister. Everything, anything can be a trigger. I was a wreck. I felt like driving back there and then. I couldnt. Because I have a small daughter now who relies on me.

It's amazing how one's life can change in the blink of an eye. Really. It can really change so fast it knocks you out of breath. We are weak humans after all. We are not invincible. We think we have everything figured out. We plan for next week,  next month or the next year. Without realizing that tomorrow might not be promised to us after all.

Please pray that my mom will stay strong and Allah will grant her syifa'. He is the Healer afterall and there is nothing that He could not do. Nothing at all.

Ya Allah, please allow me more time to be with my mom. Please heal her from cancer 100% and dont let it come back. Please let us be a more thankful servants to You. Please let us be a better servants for you and make us stronger in Iman for this ordeal. Ameen ya rabbal alameen

Insyallah to be continued, maybe

dari mana nk kemana

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