wat is the first thing u think about when you thought you gonna die?

When I was woken up by the violent earthquake 2 days before around 4 30 am and it doesnt seem to show any sign that it is going to stop, I was positive that I am going to die. Positive.

I was frantically trying to remember what was the last thing I did before I went to sleep.Was it a good deed or was it a bad one? Was Allah the last thing I remember? Was I saying anything bad about other people? And oh Lord, are my deeds enough to grant me paradise or hell would be the road for me?  While my lips non stop asking for His forgiveness (istighfar) and saying the syahadah incase I am going to die anytime soon. My heart was beating so fast I thought its going to jump out of my chest.

Its amazing to think that when I thought that I was on the verge of dying, I wasnt thinking about the loved ones I am going to leave behind (though I do think about them later when the situation stabilized), but I was thinking about myself -about how prepared I am (or not) to meet Allah and how scared and worried I was about what my fate would be after I die. Yes, in the end you would only think about yourself. It reminds me of an ayaah in the quran where Allah mentions about the Judgement Day:

"Pada hari itu manusia lari dari saudaranya, dan dari ibu bapanya, dan dari isteri dan anak-anaknya, setiap orang dari mereka pada hari itu mempunyai urusan yang menyibukkannya"

"On that day man will flee from his brother, and from his mother and his father, and from his wife and his sons,  every one of them on that day would has anxiety that is enough for him'

                                                                                                                       (Surah Abasa: 34-37)

But are we ready when Allah decide that is the time to leave the world? Are we ever going to be ready? Of course not. But if we are someone who is consistent in obeying Allah's order and leave things that He permits maybe we can at least hope Allah will show some mercy on us. Even that would not guarantee that we would be safe from hellfire. Because on the end of the day, even if we enter Jannah, it would be on His mercy, not because we've done enough. As narrated by Abu Huraira (ra): 

Allah's Apostle said  , "The deeds of anyone of you will not save you (from the Fire)." They said, "Even you (will not be saved by your deeds), O Allah's Apostle?" He said, "No, even I (will not be saved) unless and until Allah bestows His Mercy on me. Therefore, do good deeds properly, sincerely and moderately, and worship Allah in the forenoon and in the afternoon and during a part of the night, and always adopt a middle, moderate, regular course whereby you will reach your target (Paradise)." 

        (Bukhari)


We always make plan for later. But after that experience I have learnt that we can never ever guarantee that there is always going to be a 'later'. We cant. We can't even guarantee that we would still be able to take in the oxygen when we take our next breath, let alone guarantee that we would still be alive tomorrow. If only we humans knew how fragile our life is, how powerless, how truly weak we are in comparison to Allah who is the Owner of our souls, who can take life from us anytime He wishes, we would always want to do good all the time.

And after that experience I've vowed not to sleep unless I've asked for forgiveness from Allah. And after that experience I've vowed to be a better person and do good all the time.

 So dear friends who are reading this, if I somehow forgot my vows, please please remind me.

And ya Allah, Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah Allahuakbar for the invaluable lesson. And Ya Allah, if one day it is really the time to go, please please please place me, my family and my friends in Jannah among those whom You loves. Ameen ya Rabbal alamin.