To be better, you must make an effort

Sometimes, Allah shows us the doors that can lead us into being a better person, a better place to be in, but always, its always up to us to decide whether to open the doors, and step into the better place, or to stay in the same place we are in, because we thought it is comfortable enough. But being always comfortable is not always a good thing, just as the saying goes "no pain no gain",  being a better person also means we need to make an effort to be one, even if it means leaving our comfort zone.

This was what happening to me. I was getting too comfortable in my comfort zone.

After I came back from New Zealand six months ago, for some reason I did not have the opportunity to attend usrah like I used to. And somehow after the time goes by I started to feel like I was fine without it. I was too busy finishing my practicals with tons of lesson plans to do and when I came home during the weekends all I wanted to do was rest rest and rest. I thought I wouldnt have time to attend usrah. It was just too busy. But by doing that I have actually hurt myself, maybe not literally but spiritually. I have started to drift off with dunya, and I can feel that I have actually been infested by the Futur disease. Maksud futur:

1. terputus langsung setelah bersikap konsisten dan berhenti selepas aktif bergerak
2. sikap malas, melambat-lambatkan dan bertangguh dalam keadaan dulunya sentiasa pantas dan efisien

 (definition taken from http://benkareem.blogspot.com/2009/11/gejala-futur-di-medan-dakwah.html )

One of the signs that you are experiencing futur is when someone asks you to do something relating to dakwah or tarbiyah, you can feel this feeling of dread inside of you. In simple term, you just start to feel lazy and you tend to give a lot of excuses that you think is strong enough to make you escape those invitations when actually deep down you know that you just dont want to do it. 

That is what happened to me, I lost focus but escaping usrah does not keep me from being any happier either. I was experiencing this spiritual void, and the feeling of guilty is always there. No amount of entertainment can keep me satisfied and I was always anxious. I really really missed the feeling of tranquility Ive experienced during my times in New Zealand. I was so busy back then attending and handling usrah but thinking about it in retrospective, I know my heart was at peace back then, knowing that I am doing something that pleases Allah.

Even in the deteriorating state of iman I kept praying that Allah will still guide me no matter how much I have sinned and may Allah give me another chance to experience what I have experienced back then in New Zealand. Although sometimes I am too ashamed with myself to pray for anything to God I still remember the hadith Qudsi that talks about to never lose hope to the mercy of Allah:

" O son of Adam, as long as you call upon Me and put your hope in Me, I have forgiven you for what you have done and I do not mind. O son of Adam, if your sins were to reach the clouds of the sky and then you would seek My forgiveness, I would forgive you. O son of Adam, if you were to come to Me with sins that are close to filling the earth and then you would meet Me without ascribing any partners with Me, I would certainly bring to you forgiveness close to filing it"

And Allah has answered my prayer in many ways:

1. I came across an article someone posted on FB and when I read it I felt as if the article was written just for me. With the condition I was in at that time it was just the right article that can slap me awake from my reverie. Reading the article also made me realized that I am not, by all means, alone in experiencing Futur. It is a common problem and it is never too late to turn back.
2. One of my friends who came back for a semester break from New Zealand invited me to go to this kind of usrah camp. I hesitated at first, afraid that I would be out of place there with all those group of people who is hard-core usrah campaigner but I pushed all that negative thoughts aside, knowing that I really need this pengisian after so long. I owe that that to myself

About the camp. Well to tell the truth, I was quite disappointed at first to find out that there was more outdoor activities than activities that is more soul-enriching in nature such as talks and the likes. I had to go through mud-tracking in the middle of the night (I was glad there was no leeches involved), kayaking and struggling like a granny on a high rope (my armpit muscle hurt like crazy the next day).

But actually it is not necessary to learn something from a formal talk or speech. Sometimes you still can learn something just from talking to someone who had gone the same experience such as you or through some sketch (lakonan) during the Malam Kebudayaan. So especially to Ernie, Sha and Erin, this is what I managed to pick up from the sharing session:

• "Masa itu ibarat pedang, jika kamu tidak menggunakannya, ia akan melukakanmu". Sometimes bukan kita takde masa nak usrah. Its just that kita taknak memperuntukkan masa. If we are honest with ourselves we know that if we try, we can actually make time for at least 2 hours in a week to study something that would benefit us later on on judgement day. We have 24 hours a day, and its up to us whether to spend the time untuk benda benda yang boleh membawa kita ke syurga, or spend the time untuk benda2 yang boleh mendekatkan kita dengan neraka
• Nak seribu daya, taknak seribu dalih. Indeed. Jangan biasakan diri dengan alasan, jujur dengan diri sendiri.
• Bila futur, jangan give up, sebaiknya berbincang dengan orang lain and minta nasihat dan yang paling utama doa banyak2 dengan Allah minta ditetapkan
• Bila time busy, set jadual untuk penuhi hak semua orang, either untuk tarbiyah, family, diri sendiri etc.
• Always cuba letakkan tarbiyah and dakwah kat tempat yang pertama, insyaAllah benda2 lain akan jadi  mudah.

And ni adalah dari observation aku- kebanyakan kakak2 yang da lama balik for good tu, even though sibuk dengan kerja and family, ada anak-anak semuanya, diorang still amik masa untuk join program. Satu similarity yang aku boleh perasan ialah diorang ni semua muka muka tenang je. Haha

Bila aku tanya kak Affiza ape sebenarnya yang bantu dia untuk stay atas jalan ni adalah anak anak dia. Dia kata dia yakin dengan bantu agama Allah, Allah akan jaga family dia.

AND last but not least, dah kat Malaysia ni tak boleh harap orang Malaysia duk contact kita. Diorang tak terkejar sebab diorang pun bz. Kita sendiri kene make an effort kalau betul nak continue dengan usrah. And when I look at it, in a way Allah is also actually testing us to see whether we would make an effort to stay in contact with the source that can heightens our understanding of our own deen, or not. In the end, its our choice=)

Sorry for the long post. Havent been writing since forever and my last entry was such a negative one. In future I hope to write more beneficial stuffs as I am actually the one who benefited the most from writing this- I am actually first and foremost reminding myself! 

p/s- one of the things I have noticed is once when I have started improving my relationship with Allah, Allah has blessed me with a lot of things. Still waiting to be interviewed by MARA and then for posting that is I dont know when, I am almost totally broke right now. Suddenly yesterday my mentor during practicals from MRSM KKB texted me and asked me if I am interested to be a replacement teacher for a while at the old school. That means I got to earn some money and also sharpen my teaching skills that has been quite rusty since I had a long break.  Not bad for a good news dont you think? 

Alhamdulillah ya Allah=))