today i am a waterfall

orang tua tua ada kata "Jangan gelak banyak banyak, nanti nangis"

kadang kadang ada betulnya. like today. 

i have just came back from my short mini vacation with one of my bosom (ecewah) buddies. We were invited to a wedding in Malacca which was held yesterday so we had planned that alang2 dah ada kat sana why dont we just stay there for a day and enjoy the cultural city. And so we did. Being with someone who can make a joke out of everything (even when we are making a fool out of ourselves), of course it wasnt hard to stay jolly through out the holiday.

It was when I got back home that my world started caving in.

Ok. The word "caving in" might be an exaggeration. It was when I arrived home, put down my bags, saw my mother ironing my father's pants that it hits me that I only have approximately one more week left before the school holiday is over which means I have to get back to Mukah, the land so so far away from my home sweet home. It was then when my tears started rolling down my cheeks.

All this while I realize that my days of being at home is numbered but whenever I start feeling the dread I'd tell myself that "Instead of thinking one more day is gone why dont u just imagine that this is the first day of a long holiday, so you'll still have (insert number according to how many days left) days to enjoy ur holiday". And I'll start feeling better all over again, but of course, for not too long. Who am I kidding. Just like everything else, there is always an end, and this school holiday is no exception.

I know people who might read this may think that I am such a cry baby crying over the end of a school holiday when other people who work in different fields dont even have a school holiday to begin with. But I guess this is more than just about going back to work. Its about going to work at a place that is not too accessible for me to come back home whenever I want to. By not accessible I meant is having to take either 2 flights or one flight and 3 hour bus ride in order to arrive at that place. That is not accessible at all. Because I cant go back home on a whim or whenever I feel too stressed with the work load and need to lie on my own bed. And the ticket is expensive too.

And I think I am writing this not just too moan and rant but also to analyse why exactly am I feeling so sad going back there. I mean of course everyone would feel at least a little bit sad leaving home when u have to work at a place which makes you unable to come home too often, but being sad up to crying during praying, and not even being able to look at the pictures of my newly wedded friends without feeling a little bit sorrowful of my own life (how they are starting an exciting new life while I am, well, stuck) is a little bit over the top dont you think?

And that place was not really that bad. Compared to the KPM (kemeterian) teachers who have to go to the rural areas and some even have to take a 6 hour boat ride just to get to their respective schools with no phone coverage whatsoever, I am of course, wayy better off. And my kids are well behaved too. Even if they might not be as bright as the kids studying in the peninsular, I think comparatively they are more respectful toward the teachers. And it is always easier to teach kids that respect u, trust me.

And guess what, while I am writing this I happened to check out my FB and someone posted a poem made by Afdlin Shauki:

MATA KECILKU

Nukilan : Ammu Afdlin Shauki aka Abu Miasara

Kau buat mataku kecil

Kau buat badanku besar

Kau sayangkan aku

Kau buatku serba kekurangan

Supaya aku berusaha mencari kejayaan

Kemudian kau limpahkan dgn kesenangan

Kau sayangkan aku

Aku leka dengan hidup dunia

Tiada syukur tersemat didada

Hari hari bergelumang dosa

perhubungan kita tidak ku jaga

seperti seorang anak tak mengenang jasa

Kau sayangkan aku

Aku yg sudah hanyut jiwaku

Rasa tak layak lagi bersamaMu

Sangkaku tertutup sudah pintu kemaafanMu

kerana ke-alpaan diriku

Kerana kebodohan diriku

kerana keangkuhan diriku

Kerana ku butakan mata kecilku

"Masihkah Kau sayangkan Aku?"

f16 Israel membedil Gaza

Kau sayangkan aku

Bom Bom Israel mencari Syuhada

Kesengsaraan di tanah Gaza

Kehancuran merata- rata

Kezaliman yg tak terkata

Kau sayangkan aku

Kemanusiaan membawaku ke sana

Kau permudahkan segala cara

Walaupun debar menggoncang dada

Kau beri ku kekuatan minda

Selamat perjalananku ke Gaza

Agar akhirnya dapat ku guna

Mata yang lama tak bercahaya

Kerana hanya mengejar dunia

Kau Sayangkan aku

Mataku melihat, runtun hatiku

bukan kerana kematian dan kesusahan di situ

Gaza tanah barakahMU 

walaupun semuanya kelabu

Dipenuhi oleh kekasih-kekasihMU

Yang tidak pernah menyoal cintaMU

Yang tak pernah menyalahkanMU

Walaupun apa saja kesusahan yang kau beri

Kesyukuran tak pernah meninggalkan hati

Semua kekasih kekasihMU itu merindui

Bersamamu di Jannah nanti

Air mata berlinangan dari mata kecilku

Melihat Ketenangan wajah kekasihMU

Melihat Keberanian jiwa kekasihMU

Melihat keredhaan hati kekasihMU

Melihat ketaqwaan hidup kekasihMU

Senyum kekasihMU penuh cahaya

Senyun terukir walaupun duka 

Senyum di beri tak memilih siapa

Senyum penuh kesyukuran padaNYA

AKu terduduk, terdiam melihatnya

Mata aku berkelip tidak percaya, 

tidak pernah aku melihat sepertinya

Adakah aku dibumi nyata 

ataupun menghampiri ahli-ahli syurga

Palestin bergolak atas keizinanMu

Kau mahu Palestin menjadi guru

Pelajaran bagi semua umat MU

Menyuluh jalan pulang padaMU

Aku meminta pengampunan dariMu Ya Allah

Kerana setelah semua yg aku laku

kau masih sudi membuka mataku

kau masih sudi mahu bersama ku

Kau masih sudi sayangkan aku

Kau sayangkan aku

Aku bersyukur dan merasa rendah

kerana diriku yang masih kau endah

Akan ku balas cintamu dengan seluruh jiwaku

dengan badan besarku

dengan seniku, dengan jenakaku, dengan akalku

dengan mata kecilku yang kini melihat kebesaran Mu

kekuatan Mu, Ke BijaksanaanMu, PengampunanMU

Cinta Mu yang memang tidak ada seteru.

Semua yang ku lakukan kini kerana Mu

UntukMu inginku menjadi Qalam

Akan aku ceritakan kebesaranmu kepada sekian Alam

Akan ku sampaikan kasih mu yg sangat mendalam

Ya aku, Budak gemuk yg 120kg ni... ISLAM.

 and I realized what is the source of my problem. It all comes down to this:

I was ungrateful and unaware of how blessed I am. When I am complaining about my work, there are millions of people who are worrying about more pressing, troubling, life-threatening matters.To have this issue as my only problem is a blessing in itself! Astaghfirullah, Ya Allah forgive me!

The fact that I am unaware of my blessing just show how far I am from my Creator. Astaghfirullah, Ya Allah forgive me!

I asked from Allah in my prayer to please give me a heart that is in peace with whatever He has chosen for me and Subhanallah how fast He had answered my prayer.

Yes, i guess it is true that the heart which is always grateful wont ever feel unhappy. Because when you want what u have, u will always have what u want. I will always try to remember that. InsyaAllah

Amazing how writing can be a therapy for me. And to have this, thank you Allah

And I end this with a verse of the love letter from Allah:

"Dan ingatlah ketika Tuhanmu memaklumkan, "Sesungguhnya jika kamu bersyukur, niscaya Aku akan menambah (nikmat) kepadamu, tetapi jika kamu memungkiri (nikmatKu), maka pasti azabKu sangat berat" (Ibrahim: 7)