di persimpangan dilemma di ambang wati (eh?)

i finally got to know where I would be posted at.

The first time I read the name of the school-MRSM Mukah, all I did was laugh. Because God knows what I would do instead if I did not. All my friends were saying they were impressed by how I was holding on. I was not panicking, I did not even shed a tear, no. I keep assuring them "Kita OK la, betul.. Korang jangan la risau".

Frankly speaking, I was surprised myself by how I reacted.
 Maybe its because I have repeatedly told myself that I will accept anywhere I will be posted, with open heart, because I believe that if Allah wills me to be there, then insyaAllah it would be the best for me. And did I not pray a lot about asking Him to place me where it would bring good for me, dunya wal akhirah? So I should have faith in that.

Or, maybe its because I dislike being pitied. Ok. 'dislike' is an understatement. I HATE being pitied. So as much as I could, I tried to project myself as someone who is unfazed with this unexpected turn of event that has befallen me, when in reality, I wasnt really sure myself how OK I was with that situation.

Right after knowing that, in my head I was imagining myself wearing Indiana Jones kinds of attire, you know-khaki pants, cowboy hats, brown leather bag, right down to the boots, braving the airport where the presence of chicken and cows is not unusual, all alone. Ok, I am always a bit of drama queen there. But being me, I just cant help it. Anyhow after asking around, I found out that there are about 5 of us who are going there. I would be the only english teacher and the others are teaching maths, science and history. Knowing this reaaally helped me to relax a bit.

Now, the reason for the title of this post is because I am indeed, in the persimpangan dilema. I actually have the opportunity to stay at my old school where I have been teaching as a contract teacher-MRSM KKB. The human resource dept at the HQ might have made some kind of mistake, even after the list of teacher and their respective postings came out, MRSM KKB is still left with one vacancy for english teacher. For your info, this school is actually a hot spot among teachers who are living in Selangor or KL area. Why not, it is like the only MRSM in Selangor, only one hour away from civilization (hehe). In order to enter this school, both the students and teachers need to have some kind of 'cable', because the place is very well sought. But being me with no cable whatsoever, I am just lucky that I happened to be there when they need a teacher, and they kind of get used of me being there and they were quite willing to help me if I want to be transferred there instead.

If I were the old me, I would jump at the chance before I could spell y-e-s, but i guess I am more mature now. The offer is of course tempting. Why not-living only one hour away from home and family, working with people I have already familiar with and kids that love me (I think, because they cried when i left), living near to the city (I am a city girl alright), i could save money (If i can stand not going back home in the middle of the week) and other reason i could not think of right now.

But,

I also feel like I need some kind of excitement in my life right now. im getting used to the routine, I start to think there must be more to life than this. And if I dont go, I might always wonder what my life would be like if I choose to go.  I will always wonder about the kids I choose to not teach. but at the same time I am also scared of venturing into the unknown, whether I have what it takes to survive in a foreign land that might be very different from what I am used to

And I only have until tomorrow to decide whether I would want to send the appeal letter for the transfer and face the 50-50 chance of going to Mukah, or, not to appeal, which means 100% confirmation I am going to Mukah. And its driving me crazyy thinking about it. You see, if I do appeal, it means I would be in the situation where I am living in between. If the result of the appeal comes out after I fly to Mukah, I would not be able to really concentrate on settling down, in case I would have to return to peninsular. But if I did not appeal, I might actually lose my only lifeline to my comfort zone, and what if I end up hating living there??

Thinking about it, I think in the end, its all up to me. Wherever I end up going, whether I would be happy or not, would depends on how I make the situations to be like. I always believe in this saying "If you cant change your situation, change your perception of the situation". If I can really do this, I know I'll be happy anywhere.

If only I can go to Mukah and drag all my family member along. haha. But 'if' is a bad word. i would not dwell on it too much.


p/s- to someone who claim to always check my blog, to tell you the truth, I am happy for your new found happiness (although I hate to admit I kind of jealous a bit (sikit je, janji)). May you always be happy dear good friend. If that person treat you bad (like I have always treated you), tell me, I'll be happy to give that person a kungfu kick for hurting my bestfriend, for only I can do that (hehehe). Text me if you think Im writing this for you

Ladies, our lives is about to change tremendously. Ready, get set, go!

tonight we were young

it was 9 p.m when I finally arrived home. mom was not home yet from work. poor her. I used to get angry over the fact that she sometimes spends more time working than being with us. But now that I have already started working I think I could relate to how actually its not that you are choosing work over family, it is just about managing multiple responsibilities. and sometimes you cant help it that u need to spend more time focusing on one responsibilities over the others. And for me it is OK as long as you make the time to make up for it some other time (I dont know if I am making any sense here).

Anyway, I was actually planning to greet my mom with a sweet smile and a huge hug but I was met with a scowl instead "Lain kali park la depan sikit supaya kereta ma boleh muat," she said without a smile. It was not the first time actually. My house cant barely store the three cars that we have. But being me the lousy driver, I am still struggling on making sure that I have parked my car close enough to the car in front of me without hitting the bumper. Hence, the lack of space for another car. I know she was tired, but I was tired too. And it is not much fun when the first sentence you say to each other after one week apart is regarding a bad parking right? But I decided not to be touchy about it. Everyone has their bad days. We are human afterall, not robots. We are programmed with all kind of emotions. Happy, excited, angry, anxious, sad, depressed among others. We are designed that way so that we realize how vulnerable we are sometimes. So we are aware of, and can turn to, the one without any vulnerability: Allah.

Ive actually diverged too much from the main thing I want to talk about. Well I think one of the reasons I wasnt upset is because I had a great day going out with my best friend today. It is so refreshing and re-energizing  spending the time with someone who you can talk about anything, changing the topic seamlessly from one unrelated issue to another without sounding out of place. We were talking about the situation at our current school and suddenly we're talking about disliking this one artist without even knowing how it is related. We are weird like that. But I like it. Both of us were having a flue but we were trying to talk about everything as if that was the only time we have that we end up having short of breaths (I still do until now, semput). We looked through the pictures we took when we were in NZ and we laughed like crazy at all the stupid poses we did. (why we had thought we were beautiful with that stupid poses even I have no idea). "It seems like so long ago, now, it seems like just a dream", I kept saying. 

People said we would never appreciate what we have until its gone. Well, even with that in mind during my final year and even though I tried to really appreciate and store every single seconds when I was there, I know there is no way I will ever stop missing it. I miss my life in NZ like crazy, it hurts. But of course time moves, that is its nature. And I am thankful that I had my chance. Although now my life seems less interesting and less colourful than it was before, I still need to move on and go on to create great new memories. Although at times it seems bleak, I have realized today during our lively chat and big laugh that even though the scenery and situation might be different now, I still have you and my other friends to re-create that happy memories, wherever I am, whenever I feel that I need it. And you will always have me too. Of course it wont be the same but I know it doesnt always have to be bad either, right? So lets make a promise no matter how bad our future situation is gonna be we will always hold on to each other and make each other strong. I know we can;)

i have been jumping from one thing to another like a maniac. and I dont even know if someone is even willing to read this till the end. No matter, I mostly wrote this for myself. So im quite happy I really get to express myself today after a long hiatus=)

and last but not least i just thought I would like to say this (although macam tetibe)- to my family and my friends-my dearest, you guys are by far, my favourite. For always being there for me during my good and bad days, thank you.

good ol' times

cynical people

there are a lots of people who work hard and put an effort to make the world into a better place to live in, and some of them did succeed. But i think they can achieve that much faster, if there are less cynical people who hampered their efforts.

just saying;)

New vocabulary to be learned today:

hamper

v hamper [ˈhӕmpə]

to make it difficult for (someone) to do something I tried to run away but I was hampered by my long dress.

n

a large basket with a lid a picnic hamper.

Kernerman English Multilingual Dictionary © 2006-2010 K Dictionaries Ltd.

Happy Sunday people!

consoling myself

i dont hate teaching

but i hate planning

im struggle doing it everyday and I always wonder why other teachers dont look so stressed out 

is it because I am overly extreme in making sure there is no single boring moment in my class (which by the way, is not always possible)

is it because i am too terrified to see even one uninterested bored student that I crack my head everytime to come out with lesson plans that i thought would deemed interesting by the students? (and still, sometimes it still fails)

i love teaching

but i missed doing nothing on weekends too

and i miss time for myself (which i dont really have anymore, even after works im still working my a** off struggle to come out with proper lesson plans)

i dont want to sound so un-thankful

but i just need to let this out, as a therapy for myself

the problem is not with the profession

the problem is with me

im the one who is problematic

too slow, too un-creative, too lack of patience

i just pray that in the future

when i re-read this entry

i would just laugh and smirk at how weak I was

and how wonderful and great it is then

its only a month and im like this

im ashamed of myself

but trust me im struggling to stay above all this and come out as a winner

against my own self

prayers are needed:)

O Allah, please dont make Sarah among the loser, please keep Sarah strong, please make ease for Sarah in everything she does, and please give her the best for her, and give her the faith to believe that, because Ya Allah verily You know best, when she knows nothing.  (thank u for reading this doa with me and for me haha)

school breakkkk when are u comingggg

die a thousand times

how come we start being selfish
when did we stop caring for others

im dying thousand times because of you
and everytime it is a slow and painful death

we do not know the future
but I can already tell you your end if you choose to go down that road
you will not die happy
you will regret it
you will keep saying "if only I did not make that decision, if only"
you will keep wondering how happy your life would be if only you have chosen to be steadfast instead of succumbing to your selfish stupid desire

please, dont choose that.

and dont easily blame it on fate when human is blessed with free will
and guess what,decisions made that by free will, will be questioned later in akhirah
and you can never easily just answer "Because it's fated"

stop hurting people like this, because soon, very soon, you'll get hurt
Allah is testing you, seeing you
and it seems like you are failing miserably without you realizing it

I promise you
if you choose that road
I will definitely, definitely fare you well
and will not thank you for the memories

p/s- how did we get so estranged?

Sarah The Poet

I hate making decisions.
Unfortunately, being a teacher involves making decisions. LOTS of them.

I am teaching the students poem-writing next week. They have to write 5 types of poem: acrostic, 3 word poem, 9 word poem, metaphor, and a concrete poem. If i am a student having to do this stuff next week I think I am going to be excited and just have fun in the class writing those poems. But no, I am going there as a teacher, and just knowing what to teach does not mean my job is over. The things I am still worry about are:

• What type of grouping is better in creating those poems (individual, partnership, or groupworks?)
• How do I group them in the most interesting way?
• How do I sequence the lesson (ask Ss to present after finishing each poem or let them to finish all the poems first and then present last?)
• What is the best way for them to present the poems? (write on board or mahjong paper or in A4 stapled together?)
• What if they are quite slow in thinking (because obviously Malaysian kids are not that used to writing poems) they could not come out with anything? How do I urge them?
• And many more 

Since my brain had quite a break from thinking this past few months, all this push for thinking is causing it to be in shock. HAHA. Ok mengarut.

Anyway, I am not complaining (well at least I think so). I just want to see in words what ive been worrying about so I can actually see and figure it out, if u know what I mean. 

But actually im also trying hard to psycho myself about "PLANNING IS FUN!!" 

Nah, I actually tried to create some of the poems myself:

• Acrostic poem:

So

Amazingly

Romantic

And

Heroic

Wahahaha

• 3-word Poem

Lovers

Look

Longingly

• 9-word Poem (1-2-3-2-1)

I

smiles brightly

to everyone everywhere

who appreciates

me

• Metaphor

Love is a seed

It needs fertilizer and care

To keep it growing

[HAHA I must admit. quite lame laa this one]

Why dont u guys try one to keep the creative juice flowing? Its kinda fun u know.. hehe

p/s- "cuti panjang sudah habis, bro"

To be better, you must make an effort

Sometimes, Allah shows us the doors that can lead us into being a better person, a better place to be in, but always, its always up to us to decide whether to open the doors, and step into the better place, or to stay in the same place we are in, because we thought it is comfortable enough. But being always comfortable is not always a good thing, just as the saying goes "no pain no gain",  being a better person also means we need to make an effort to be one, even if it means leaving our comfort zone.

This was what happening to me. I was getting too comfortable in my comfort zone.

After I came back from New Zealand six months ago, for some reason I did not have the opportunity to attend usrah like I used to. And somehow after the time goes by I started to feel like I was fine without it. I was too busy finishing my practicals with tons of lesson plans to do and when I came home during the weekends all I wanted to do was rest rest and rest. I thought I wouldnt have time to attend usrah. It was just too busy. But by doing that I have actually hurt myself, maybe not literally but spiritually. I have started to drift off with dunya, and I can feel that I have actually been infested by the Futur disease. Maksud futur:

1. terputus langsung setelah bersikap konsisten dan berhenti selepas aktif bergerak
2. sikap malas, melambat-lambatkan dan bertangguh dalam keadaan dulunya sentiasa pantas dan efisien

 (definition taken from http://benkareem.blogspot.com/2009/11/gejala-futur-di-medan-dakwah.html )

One of the signs that you are experiencing futur is when someone asks you to do something relating to dakwah or tarbiyah, you can feel this feeling of dread inside of you. In simple term, you just start to feel lazy and you tend to give a lot of excuses that you think is strong enough to make you escape those invitations when actually deep down you know that you just dont want to do it. 

That is what happened to me, I lost focus but escaping usrah does not keep me from being any happier either. I was experiencing this spiritual void, and the feeling of guilty is always there. No amount of entertainment can keep me satisfied and I was always anxious. I really really missed the feeling of tranquility Ive experienced during my times in New Zealand. I was so busy back then attending and handling usrah but thinking about it in retrospective, I know my heart was at peace back then, knowing that I am doing something that pleases Allah.

Even in the deteriorating state of iman I kept praying that Allah will still guide me no matter how much I have sinned and may Allah give me another chance to experience what I have experienced back then in New Zealand. Although sometimes I am too ashamed with myself to pray for anything to God I still remember the hadith Qudsi that talks about to never lose hope to the mercy of Allah:

" O son of Adam, as long as you call upon Me and put your hope in Me, I have forgiven you for what you have done and I do not mind. O son of Adam, if your sins were to reach the clouds of the sky and then you would seek My forgiveness, I would forgive you. O son of Adam, if you were to come to Me with sins that are close to filling the earth and then you would meet Me without ascribing any partners with Me, I would certainly bring to you forgiveness close to filing it"

And Allah has answered my prayer in many ways:

1. I came across an article someone posted on FB and when I read it I felt as if the article was written just for me. With the condition I was in at that time it was just the right article that can slap me awake from my reverie. Reading the article also made me realized that I am not, by all means, alone in experiencing Futur. It is a common problem and it is never too late to turn back.
2. One of my friends who came back for a semester break from New Zealand invited me to go to this kind of usrah camp. I hesitated at first, afraid that I would be out of place there with all those group of people who is hard-core usrah campaigner but I pushed all that negative thoughts aside, knowing that I really need this pengisian after so long. I owe that that to myself

About the camp. Well to tell the truth, I was quite disappointed at first to find out that there was more outdoor activities than activities that is more soul-enriching in nature such as talks and the likes. I had to go through mud-tracking in the middle of the night (I was glad there was no leeches involved), kayaking and struggling like a granny on a high rope (my armpit muscle hurt like crazy the next day).

But actually it is not necessary to learn something from a formal talk or speech. Sometimes you still can learn something just from talking to someone who had gone the same experience such as you or through some sketch (lakonan) during the Malam Kebudayaan. So especially to Ernie, Sha and Erin, this is what I managed to pick up from the sharing session:

• "Masa itu ibarat pedang, jika kamu tidak menggunakannya, ia akan melukakanmu". Sometimes bukan kita takde masa nak usrah. Its just that kita taknak memperuntukkan masa. If we are honest with ourselves we know that if we try, we can actually make time for at least 2 hours in a week to study something that would benefit us later on on judgement day. We have 24 hours a day, and its up to us whether to spend the time untuk benda benda yang boleh membawa kita ke syurga, or spend the time untuk benda2 yang boleh mendekatkan kita dengan neraka
• Nak seribu daya, taknak seribu dalih. Indeed. Jangan biasakan diri dengan alasan, jujur dengan diri sendiri.
• Bila futur, jangan give up, sebaiknya berbincang dengan orang lain and minta nasihat dan yang paling utama doa banyak2 dengan Allah minta ditetapkan
• Bila time busy, set jadual untuk penuhi hak semua orang, either untuk tarbiyah, family, diri sendiri etc.
• Always cuba letakkan tarbiyah and dakwah kat tempat yang pertama, insyaAllah benda2 lain akan jadi  mudah.

And ni adalah dari observation aku- kebanyakan kakak2 yang da lama balik for good tu, even though sibuk dengan kerja and family, ada anak-anak semuanya, diorang still amik masa untuk join program. Satu similarity yang aku boleh perasan ialah diorang ni semua muka muka tenang je. Haha

Bila aku tanya kak Affiza ape sebenarnya yang bantu dia untuk stay atas jalan ni adalah anak anak dia. Dia kata dia yakin dengan bantu agama Allah, Allah akan jaga family dia.

AND last but not least, dah kat Malaysia ni tak boleh harap orang Malaysia duk contact kita. Diorang tak terkejar sebab diorang pun bz. Kita sendiri kene make an effort kalau betul nak continue dengan usrah. And when I look at it, in a way Allah is also actually testing us to see whether we would make an effort to stay in contact with the source that can heightens our understanding of our own deen, or not. In the end, its our choice=)

Sorry for the long post. Havent been writing since forever and my last entry was such a negative one. In future I hope to write more beneficial stuffs as I am actually the one who benefited the most from writing this- I am actually first and foremost reminding myself! 

p/s- one of the things I have noticed is once when I have started improving my relationship with Allah, Allah has blessed me with a lot of things. Still waiting to be interviewed by MARA and then for posting that is I dont know when, I am almost totally broke right now. Suddenly yesterday my mentor during practicals from MRSM KKB texted me and asked me if I am interested to be a replacement teacher for a while at the old school. That means I got to earn some money and also sharpen my teaching skills that has been quite rusty since I had a long break.  Not bad for a good news dont you think? 

Alhamdulillah ya Allah=))