the first to many other firsts

So after becoming pretty much useless the whole day yesterday (it's only the first day of my break annnd I am already out of my wits!), today, I decided to do something I have never done before: watching movie at the cinema all by myself.. Upon announcing this on my instagram, I found out that actually, many of my friends have done this before, so what I am doing is not ground-breaking at all. haha..

But you see, you have to look at it from my perspective- I am the kind of person who would feel like a loser eating alone at a restaurant, would feel like the loneliest girl on the planet if I have to go window shopping on my own, would feel suffocated not talking to anyone for more than 2 hours. That's just the way I am. I hate being alone in whatever situation I am in (well, except for when I am obsessing over something embarassing muahahaa).  So me deciding to try this out is actually an achievement for me, haha, no matter how small it may seem to others.

So, the verdict? Well apart from I struggled a bit holding the drink, my popcorn and my hotdog on my own (no problem, just request for a plastic bag) and when I went to the toilet I have no one to ask for about what had I missed in the film, it was all good and empowering, even. I was able to concentrate better, plus I dont have to worry about what other people think of the movie after I suggested it at the first place. I watched Interstellar. To be honest, there are some things that I did not really understand, but again, no problem, I just continued watching and made a mental point to ask others about it later. So others who have free time while your friends or your family members do not, dont worry, just go to the movie and watch it alone. It's still very enjoyable too (granted the movie is nice laa)

Now, about the movie interstellar? If you are the kind of person who love movie which makes you still think about it even days after it ends, if you're into the outer-space stuff and its wonders, this is the movie for you. I've always loved and fascinated on things universe-related and I've always loved the movie that left me a bit unsettled, so I found the movie really nicee.

Just one bad thing after watching the movie, though: it makes my job as a teacher and my life on earth sooo much boring in comparison. Hahah.

Here's to the first of many other firsts. Next aim: to join a volunteer work (this one unnerve me a bit, it's always easier when you do stuff alone, instead of needing to communicate with strangers. hoho.. wish me luck!)

ssar

-inkelanajayaland-

Real Vs Appearance

What people show you
Is what they want you to think about them
A happy picture does not equal to a happy life
Likewise
Not posting happy stuff
Does not mean they're not having the time of their life

Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and any other social networks
Have helped people to create the world of façade
Create the medium to shape of how they want people to think of them

But it is impossible to be happy all the time you know, impossible.
The life you advertise
If it's not really what it is
Sooner or later its going to crumble
People will be able to see behind your mask anyway
Would be able to see that:
"Well, you dont have that perfect life too. You're not untouchable or invincible, just like any other human"

Knowing that,
stop comparing yourself to others who you think "have it all"
who you think "sadness cant touch them"
Cause it's not true
Just because they dont display their pain doesnt mean they dont experience one

Live your own life to the fullest
Take risk and be brave enough to fall, to hurt, to cry
Take risk and to try
Take risk and to fly

As long as you have God as your wings,
You wont die in futile

(a poem, [poem ke nihh?] inspired by my stalking on instagram) hehe

sarah_mukahland

our life has changed

And I think i finally have to accept that i've lost you
What used to bind us together: our dreams, our fears, has disappeared
u've achieved ur dreams
u no longer have things to fear
and im still here, still here

Sorry if i stay away
I need time to be okay
to finally digest the fact that we're worlds apart now,
No matter what you say

Truly, Im not sad u're happy
im just sad for me
but this test, it is fated to be
If it is custom made for me
There's high chance i, too will get my victory


S.s

letter to future self

yes. I still make grammar mistakes sometimes. But i can self-correct

I will be fine
give me time

semoga

Apapun yang terjadi
Berjalanlah tanpa henti
Air mata tertahan
Waktu untuk dijatuhkan

Nanti kita kan tahu
Betapa bijaknya hidup
Sepahit apapun ini
Pelajaran yang berarti

Semoga
Pemergianmu
tak akan mengubah apa pun

Semoga
Mampu ku lawan
Kesepianku

Tetiba out of nowhere this song came into my mind today. Siti Nurhaliza-Melawan kesepian

a letter to You

This feeling im feeling right now
Nobody knows it or understands it as much as You do
Talking about it to others will not help because they dont have the solution like You do
I am so not worthy of Your love and Your aid, so far from it
this sinful slave that I am,
I am truly nothing to You
I dont even feel I have the right to ask anything from You
after all that I have done

but still, still I hope
as You are the Most forgiving and the Most Merciful ones
and Your love is the kind where it covers everyone, regardless the saint or the sinner
help me face this trial
show me the way
as You hold the answer to everything
and You own the ultimate strength
help me, guide me, assure me
I am not in the position to ask anything
but please Ya Rabb, Ya Rahman, Ya Rahim
Despite of my sins and mistakes,
Can you overlook that and aid me?

crashed down

Everytime when I got overexcited over something
I ended up came crashing down

but being myself
I cant help it, it's my nature
i am easily hyped
when i am excited, happy, jubilant,  i cant help but express it
But often it resulted to sadness and disappointment

need a better restrain over yourself, sarah

Dreaming

Some people said, if you're having a good dream, dont share it to others because it wont be a reality.. do you think that's true?

Ive been the having the same dream two days in a row now. Have i been wanting it that much? I mean its not like i have been really thinking about it.

And at some point of the dream i will realise that i am actually dreaming so i force myself to wake up. Realising its just a dream makes me feel pathetic. I dont know if anyone could relate, but i kind of hate myself from having to dream about it.

On a different note,  maybe tu gangguan syaitan. Sapa suruh tidur lepas subuh kan. Haha

i am leaving

I've had enough.

And I dont think I can take it anymore.

I am only passively viewing the FB and ive already felt exhausted. I cant imagine how it is like for those who are in the battleground day in and day out =(

At least for the time being. I need to stay away and take a breather before I can stand to look at those increasingly horrific pictures of children and women being slaugtered as if they dont mean anything

as if they do not deserve living

but the thing that I cannot stand more is my helplessness in changing how things are.

 I felt guilty I dont or cannot do more to help.

Sure,I have donated, I am all in for boycotting, I tried to spread awareness whenever I could, I prayed every single time I did my prayers, but I dont think it will stop the killing anytime soon.

it's heartbreaking, it can drive anyone crazy thinking how evil human could be. How could them? How could? Arent they humans too? Dont they have someone they love too?

Sure there are thousands of people worldwide that are outraged by the atrocity committed by them, people protesting left and right, boycotting campaigning all they could but the  Israelis obviously dont care even if the whole world is hating them. Why would they care when they are being backed up by the super power of the world, the so called "world police" (when the crime they've committed made them worthy of being called an international criminal). And even the Muslim leaders are keeping mum over what is happening to their own brothers and sisters, for being scared of losing their own interests.

Who do we ultimately can turn to, then, the one who has more power than those Jews and USA? It's possible that no human in this world has the power to stop the atrocity committed by them, but as Muslim we have to have faith that no one is more powerful than Allah.

If that is so, why there is still no help then, you might ask. Doesn't Allah love the muslims? Well, doesn't Allah love His prophet- Nabi Muhammad peace be upon him, the most? But didnt he face trial and difficulties as well? Dont you remember the time when Allah recorded the feeling of almost losing hope by the people back then in the Quran:

"They were touched by poverty and hardship and were shaken until [even their] messenger and those who believed with him said 'When will the help of Allah [come] ?" (2:214)

And Allah answered this simply "“Unquestionably, the help of Allah is near.” (Qur’an 2:214)"

Yes, Allah will push us until all hope is lost until all we can turn to is to no one, but Him. One true pure dependence to the Creator, and not Creation. But knowing this and just waiting for His help is not enough too since Allah also has said:

 "Indeed, Allah will not change the condition of a people until they change what is in themselves" (13:11)

Therefore, think about it, in the conflict between the Palestinian and the Zionist, who are this 'people' who need to change? Is it the Palestinians alone? Or is it including us, all Muslims? The answer is very clear. The responsibility in protecting the sacred place is not the Palestinians' alone, but also every Muslim's. Then dont you think that there is the possibility that the victory is still not ours because most of the muslims are still far from Allah, still refusing to change what is in themselves!

It really hits me today that re-posting pictures and news about Palestin is not enough. I am probably spreading pictures and posts to people who are already sympathetic to the Palestinian.  I am powerless to urge the leaders of the countries to do something about the Palestinian (why would they even care?) but I realized today that I can change myself to be a better muslim, and I can help others to know Allah more too. Although I have slowed down in my the tarbiyah's activity after Ive started working, (being more of a receiver rather than the giver) it doesnt mean I cant start that all over again. There is a reason Allah chose me to be a Muslim, there is a reason Allah made me know about halaqah, there is a reason Allah blessed me with the ability to approach people easily. This might be a long road but I have faith in Allah's promises 100%. I believe when there is more people who come back to true Islam, that is when the time when the Muslims will really win, the time when Allah's help will descent. That will be the time when Palestine will be truly free.

I know that whatever that comes out from my mouth or through my writing will be tested. So please dear friend, make a lot of doa's for me. That I will stay true to my promise. Lets strive to be a better person, every single day insyaAllah. 

So there. I am leaving the Facebook for a while (well ok, not really leaving, it's more like signing out for a while), not because I have given up on the Palestinian cause, but I am signing out so I can do something more productive to help them, instead of crying helplessly. 

From the river to the sea, Palestine, no doubt, will be free. (It's Allah's promise)

it is a house, but its not a home

It is a house
but its not a home

how could it be
when they're rarely home

and even when they are
Theres no difference
just stone figures
lack of emotions

it is a house
but its not a home

where laughter are scarce
filled with occupied silence
they're with the laptops
u're with the phones
We're seating side by side
but no communication

it used to be a house
and also a home

where the father played and joked around with the children
The mother smiled satisfiedly of her achievement with the goods hot from the oven
The children laughed giddily and thought 'God, this must be heaven!'

if I could
I would
I would turn back time
make it frozen
that moments of happiness
too fleeting, too short, too priceless
but it moves like a current
that will keep moving and moving
away and away out of reach
like a forever gone companion

the worst feeling

Actually
The worse feeling than the fear of staying alone
is the fear of people pitying you for being alone
and the realization that you have lost someone who can actually understand your situation because they are no longer in similar situation

One of these days,
I might just decide to disappear
For my own peace of mind
For the sanity of my mind

...

never have i
consider seeing a counselor as much as i had
this year

and its only April

call, and He will answer

after i wrote the previous entry,
I went to perform solah, and after solah I prayed
and among the prayers I included this doa:

"Ya Allah, Kau berikanlah aku berita gembira yang boleh menenangkan hatiku"

and after that I continued reciting the quran
and I decided to read the translation as well
guess what I found in the page I happened to read:

"(Mereka) menjawab, "Kami menyampaikan kabar gembira kepadamu dengan benar, maka janganlah engkau termasuk orang yang berputus asa"

"Dia Ibrahim berkata, "Tidak ada yang berputus asa dari rahmat Tuhannya kecuali orang yang sesat" (Ibrahim:55-56)

There is no coincidence in Islam, everything is already planned by Allah. I called for Him, and He answered, urging me to not give up and believe in Him, subhanallah! It gave me goosebumps and I just had to share it.

He is indeed always near, and ready to answer our calls.
All we need to do is have faith, and believe:')

Allah adalah seperti sangkaan hamba-hambaNya.

comparing.
i know i shouldn't do it, but I still do.
and sadistically doing it again and again.
which is bad, really bad, because when you keep comparing, it means you are not being happy, not being grateful for what you have.
therefore,
my aim for 2014- to be better than that and learn to be more thankful (easier written than done, that I know)
everything is in its own due time
I believe in Allah's planning, He is indeed the best of planners.
He knows what is the best for me, if I tell myself that often enough I know I will stop comparing and be happy with what I have, insyaAllah.

Allah tidak akan sesekali menganiaya hamba-hambaNya, kan? ;)
Maka mari bersangka baik



Mohon doanya=)