sarah the astronomer

Twinkle twinkle little stars. How captivating I found you are

so today i am back in my beloved (heh) mukah

went to school after isya' prayer (yes i am that committed and hardworking, hehe, jk) to look out for the new time table so I can plan what to teach tomorrow

then I went back home, walking (my home is just inside the school compound). 

and I did what ive always loved doing while walking back. I looked at the sky. (for your information, the stars here are splendid. i guess because there are no light pollution, no tall buildings, no haze whatsoever). 

You can actually see the star constellations (buruj) clearly. I swear i have seen the northern star/polaris/buruj pari a few times already (the only constellation i am sure about because I learned about in NZ and also because it happens to be the easiest to detect hehe). I also might have seen the buruj belantik but I cant be really sure (belajar time upsr beb. which is soo long ago). Once, I had even caught the sight of a falling star, it is that amazing and magical (well at least, to me)

So while I was walking alone and watching the mesmerizing stars, I had a thought "I should have worked as an astronomer, that would be super interesting"

Although it might sound ridiculous and unattainable, I cant help but wonder how different my life would be like if I had chosen a different path. 

But havent we all do that, at least once? Wishing u are somewhere else, other than where you are right now. Wishing u look differently, from how you looked right now. Wishing u made a different choice than what u have decided now. We do it all the time, conscious or unconsciously. We especially do it when we dont have or have little control over our current situation. 

That is what we call as escapism. Wishful thinking. Although its nice entertaining the thoughts (e.g wishing u are vacationing in switzerland than in your stuffy workplace), it wont get you anywhere unless you work for it. But not all wishes are workable, yes? Like me wishing to be an astronomer, I think it is a little too late. Like some medium height person wishing to be taller, I dont think he/she can achieve that without massive painful expensive operation.

So this is what I am going to propose to myself. Make my current situation my dream. My wish. Why not? It used to be one, before Ive been burned out. I used to fight for it like hell studying for my A levels and in university. I am sure there are lots of people out there fighting to be in my place, or at least get a decent job. 

And I believe that everything has its reason. Ada hikmah. And I believe every hardship and difficulties I am facing will be repay with goodness. As mentioned by the Prophet s.a.w:

“Sungguh ajaib dalam urusan orang mukmin. Sesungguhnya setiap urusan baginya ada kebaikan dan perkara ini tidak berlaku melainkan kepada orang mukmin. Sekiranya dia diberikan sesuatu yang menggembirakan lalu dia bersyukur, dan sekiranya apabila dia ditimpa kesusahan lalu dia bersabar. Maka kebaikan baginya” (Riwayat Muslim)

“How wonderful is the affair of the believer, for his affairs are all good, and this applies to no one but the believer. If something good happens to him, he is thankful for it and that is good for him. If something bad happens to him, he bears it with patience and that is good for him.” (Narrated by Muslim, 2999).

So chaiyo Sarah. You dont have to be an astronomer to be great. At least in Allah's eyes =)

yellow rain

these stupid tears of mine cant seem to stop falling
lately i am only having reasons to write in here for sad and negative stuffs
i cant help it. i can only write well when i am emotional be it super happy, super excited, super angry or super sad

and right now i am super sad. and super confuse

its not others. its me. if i am honest i have to admit it has always been me. its me who dont know what to do with my life. its me who cant seem to figure out what I really want. its me who dont yet know what can make me really happy.

being trapped is an option. not something i cannot run from. its a choice and maybe all this while i have been choosing to stay trapped. now that i see everyone flying away that I realize i can fly too. if i want. maybe all this while i have not been wanting it strong enough

i am becoming a lost soul. but it doesnt have to stay that way.

if only i know now what should i do

negative

I am becoming someone I dont like
Someone full of negativity
God help me
I dont like this me

The more I see it, I think one thing I can guarantee I am good at is running away from my problem
I do it with full tenacity and obsession I myself am impressed
If only I am that obsessed with solving my problems

Augustus, I'm hooked

"You dont get to choose if you get hurt in this world, but you do have some say in who hurts you" - John Green, The fault in our stars

hoping is bad news

Just as how quickly and easily I can get to the cloud 9, thats how fast I can fall back to the ground shattered and smashed..

Dear self,
What am I supposed to do with u?

miss moody

Feeling a little bit homesick. Ok. Not a little bit. But very. It must be the pms that are ruining my emotional stability.

Tak sabar nak pulang.


Ok bai

rambura rambu ramba

i had a field day of disappointment and anger today. Well, 'field day' is not really a good phrase to use since it suggests a day of joy but I guess being trapped in all this different feeling makes me wants to laugh at the irony of it all.

Wish list:

1. I wish I was a better teacher. The one who can explain a concept clearly and knowledgeably so that the students would be able to feel confident with me. Not like what happened during the class today. I feel bad, I am sorry dear kids
2. I wish I knew how to handle the Police Cadet better. I am sorry again dear cadets, I have unintendedly showed the weak side of me. I mean not having any experience handling extra-curricular activity is quite hard. At least those who did their Diploma of Education in Malaysia had some ideas on what to do. Me? When there was still a lottttt of time left after I have done everythingg that was on my agenda, I was stuck on what else to do. You see, quick thinking is something I have not mastered yet. I ended up asking the students to sew the batches on to their beret. Police Cadet= Sewing club? 
3. I wish I had more confidence in myself. I mean if I did what I have planned for my class today and not change my plan at the last minute and did what my colleague did with his class (just because I thought his material was better. I do think I suffer from inferiority complex) but end up struggling implementing the new lesson plan and messed it all up, I think I would not have feel this incompetent.
4. I wish people dont make faces after listening to their friend's advice (which was requested by themselves on the first place). It was hurtful. And totally immature

I guess they are not really a wish list. I mean wish lists are supposed to be wishing getting something you have not received yet and what I did was wishing that I could change something that had happened. Which I can't.

But well luckily most of them are something that I could work on, right? Like

1) I could be a better teacher. I will not waste my time wondering over what the students think of me. If they thought I was bad, well, I could always work to be better to change that perception of theirs

2) In the future I should always prepare a back up plan incase the activity that I have planned finish earlier than I thought. That, would save me from the embarassment of not knowing what to do with the extra time

3) I should have more confidence in myself. Do what I feel I am comfortable with instead of worrying that I got it all wrong and change my plan at the last minute. Which was stupid

4) I cant change people's attitude. but I cant help to feel hurt either. I guess I can always talk directly about how it is not really nice to give inappropriate response when they were the first one who asked for advice.

Haha this is me re-assuring myself again. Sorry if I seemed bipolar or having multiple personalities.
I am tired, I am missing my family and my friends and I am worrying about the ever increasing work loads. But I am learning to take it one step at a time and surviving it insyaAllah

Like I have read on the FB, dont say oh Allah I have a great problem, say hey problem, I have a great Allah!  Chaiyo everyone. Berusaha! ^_^

Nah, a tired smile fo ya from pompuan hidung gergasi ni. Haha. (eh tp bersyukur je tau ada hidung)