this is wrong

Hey old friend

These few days I kept thinking of you
About how nobody can replace the kind of special friend you are to me

The fact that we can straight away pick up a conversation where we left off no matter how big the time gap was, no matter how different our lives are from each other

The fact how you know what I am really like but can still accept me

The fact how you never gave up on me no matter how mean I was to u. "Never Gave up". Yes. It is in the past tense because finally u did. N I dont blame you.

U know,  im just not the kind of person who regret over things. Things happen because they are destined to happen that way, I truly believed that. N its always for the better insyaAllah.

I dont regret but that doesnt stop me from wondering about the what ifs, or what it could have been. Which is useless, I know. I am struggling to stop thinking this way. struggling to stop wishing I could have one more conversation with you.

I hope you won't read this. Maybe u wont. Afterall why would you be here when you are happy there?

Thank you for the memories.  At least I would always have them.


Or is it actually better if we had never known each other?

why do I have to keep writing about u

I hate this feeling of uneasiness
I feel as if im living on the edge, if I even only make one small move, I might come tumbling down
I feel as if im trying to walk on a road full with broken glasses, shoeless, I might accidentally step on the glass any moment now
What I am saying is, no matter how calm the current situation is,I cant seem to be convince that I have received my happy ending
Not when u are acting especially weird

That is the case of an offender u know
People find it hard to trust you
Especially when you dont seem to work hard to vanquish people's suspicion that you have stopped commiting the offense
I hate you doing this to her
I hate you cant seem to stop hurting her
When she deserves so so so much better
Thanks to u I cant even look at ild photo albums n be happy for the memories
No. I am hurt for the "have been"s.

Still, I am assured. No matter how much u might get away with this now, you wont get away with this hereafter. Allah is seeing this, nothing would be amiss.

You might be able to get away now, but remember, Allah is the best Judge, where no one who have ever experienced injustice would be left unhappy

an ode to you, A.R.Y

Sebenarnya, kita hidup untuk apa? Apa lagi yang kita kejar? Sampai bila? Ketahuilah, kalau betul agama kita pegang, kita akan jelas yang kita hidup ini bukan utk selamanya, tp utk akhirat di sana. Kalau kita jelas itu, nescaya kita tidak akan terhegeh hegeh mengejar nikmat dunia yang belum tentu menjamin kebahagiaan utk disana

Umur kita semakin hari semakin pendek, masa kita semakin suntuk. Sudah cukup kah amal kita utk dibawa ke dunia yg selamanya utk kita bersenang lenang, lalai mengejar nikmat dunia.

Sudah cukupkah amal kita utk menjanjikan mendapat kebahagiaan di sana untuk kita tidak kisah berbuat dosa kiri dan kanan?

Kita bukan hidup utk selamanya
Apa apa pilihan yang kita buat kini, fikir dalam dalam, adakah akan membawa keuntungan disana

Jgn ikut nafsu.  Ingat, masa kita semakin pendek, kita bkn hidup selamanya


-nukilan from someonewhodoesntmeananythingtoyou

I want to live in oblivion

One of these days, I might just die out of a heartbreak

Even if I cry until blood comes out instead of tears
You still wont care would you?

Even if I kneel to beg until my knees make a hole in the ground
It still wont mean anything to you, right?

Even if I call you all kind of names
It still wont budge you from stop hurting us will you?

What have I done so bad to deserve this
What have you done so right to get away with this again?

You're too old to be selfish
If only u realise that
I H U

being mature does not equal to being an adult

Truth to be told, I have always wanted my life to be like in a movie

And I kind of got what I wish for
But its not the kind of genre that I would have preferred- romantic, comedy, adventure
No. Far from that- it is sad, melancholic and tragic all the way
Every possible scene u have watched in a sad movie, some of it might resemble my life
Sometimes it's up to the point of absurdity, even I cannot believe I am really living this kind of life. Sometimes I kind of feel acting in a cerekarama waiting for the director to yell "cut!". If only it is that easy. But no, this is not some kind of movie,  this is my life we are talking about.

I have always hate sad movie, even more so if its a sad ending. But I read someone's status today quoting John Lennon - " Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not okay, then it's not the end"

I so want to believe this. Can I believe this? Cuz at the rate I am going right now, i am really hating this part of my life right now. I cant totally wait for the sad part to finally ends and for the happy part to finally starts.

Can I? Do I deserve a happy ending after all?

lily on ur grave

what is this feeling
i guess i finally got what i wished for
feeling-less.
whatever he is doing.-yes, please do. i have stopped caring.
i have to, i need to, stop caring
that is the only way for me to cope, to survive, to protect myself from hurting

i dont know a lot of stuff. but i know this:
happiness that you gain through someone else's pain and tears wouldnt and cant last.
what goes around comes around
what goes around comes around

red

yesterday she was abnormally happy
happy teasing her housemates
happy using phone application that could actually make u see how you would look like after make up
happy laughing at her friend's ridiculously ugly picture of what could be her future son/daughter picture after using the apps that could combine you and your spouse's face

in all that giddiness and happiness she did wonder to herself why is she this happy, surely there is no catch to this? she silently hoped.

She hoped. but luck is not on her side.

so it's true then, what her mother has always told her. Don't laugh too much, or you will cry later. Well at least, in her case.

there is nothing that yesterday's simple carefree moment can prepare for what she had to face today.

it's not like she didnt know that there is high possibility that her worst experience would repeat itself again. it's not like she did not try to harden her heart to prepare for that possibility, so that she wont feel as much hurt and pain again. but she cant help but stupidly hope. hope that there is some sense in that person to think about other's people feeling for once instead of his own gratification.

that past scar, might become fainter now, but it is still not fully healed. but no, that person dont think that pain is hurtful enough. that he had to cut, slash, slit, crush, it again and again.

she wishes she can choose to be heart-less. so she will stop hurting. or at least she can turn her heart into a stone, and stop feeling anything ever again.

she wishes for many things.

 but wishes dont seem to be too fond of her.

i miss king's confectionery

it's amazing u know,

how we could actually change.

how there are matters that used to bother you so much you dont want to even think/consider about it
suddenly you find yourself surviving that and doing okay

i guess sometimes we are stronger than we give ourselves credit for


p/s- missing my bestfriends=(

on repeat

Sendiri
Sendiri ku diam
Diam dan merenung
Merenungkan jalan yang kan membawaku pergi
Pergi ‘tuk menjauh
Menjauh darimu
Darimu yang mulai berhenti
Berhenti mencoba
Mencoba bertahan
Bertahan untuk terus bersamaku

Ku berlari kau terdiam
Ku menangis kau tersenyum
Ku berduka kau bahagia
Ku pergi kau kembali

Ku coba meraih mimpi
Kau coba ‘tuk hentikan mimpi
Memang kita takkan menyatu

Bayangkan
Bayangkan ku hilang
Hilang tak kembali
Kembali untuk mempertanyakan lagi cinta
Cintamu yang mungkin
Mungkin tak berarti
Berarti untuk ku rindukan

Ku berlari kau terdiam
Ku menangis kau tersenyum
Ku berduka kau bahagia
Ku pergi kau kembali

Ku coba meraih mimpi
Kau coba ‘tuk hentikan mimpi
Memang kita takkan menyatu

Ini harusnya kita coba saling melupakan
Lupakan
Lupakan kita pernah saling bersama

Ku berlari kau terdiam
Ku menangis kau tersenyum
Ku berduka kau bahagia
Ku pergi kau kembali

Ku coba meraih mimpi
Kau coba ‘tuk hentikan mimpi
Memang kita takkan menyatu

cry me a river

some people hate tears as they are mostly a symbol of pain, sadness, frustration and hurt. But Allah creates human with the ability to cry for a reason. I always felt better after a good cry. It does not solve the problems at hand, no. But somehow they do have some kind of healing and purging effect.

So as of tonight, (no matter how weird this might sound) I am just feeling grateful that I could cry, Alhamdulillah.

p/s- i feel like i need a little saving

I tear my heart open I sew myself shut

The people who know me well would know how much I hate rejection
I just can't take rejection
So as much as I could I would avoid from being in a situation where there is a possibility I would be rejected

Now, u might say thay well its normal for everybody
But no im serious about how bad I took rejection in the past. In the same circumstance other people might at first be hurt too but then they would move on but for me I really  take it to heart and I just can't seem to move from it.

The people who know me well would know how much I hate rejection but I don't think they all would know the reason why.

Truth to be told, I think it's because I had the experience of being rejected by someone I used to love a lot. U see, the more you love,  the more vulnerable u are, the more probability of you getting hurt. When u experience that, (being rejected by someone you really love) it will scar you forever. Even when time heals, the pain will still forever etched there.

It was the most horrible experience and I barely survived it. I thought ive gone through enough pain to last for a lifetime but it seems that fate has different plan for me. Same thing is happening again. I thought I am stronger now but apparently for me the more mature I think I got, the more worse my reaction is to the situation

I realise now I have been acting as if Allah is not there all this while these things are happening.  As if Allah does not permit all these things to happen. Astaghfirullah. .

I happened to watch a video by ustaz nouman ali khan during the last week of Ramadan about how there is nothing in this world that happen without Allah permission and without His knowledge. Subhanallah I guess Allah has fated me to watch that video to prepare me for this. I am in so much pain and Allah knows. And He allows it. And l know and I believe whatever that happens is because Allah knows that it is for the best.  No matter how hard it is for me to take it. No matter how painful it is for me now. Allah is the most merciful and loving and Allah is doing this for a reason.  I might not understand it now  but I am sure it's for the best.

Help me Ya Allah to stay strong for this new test.  Please don't let me go astray.


P/s- to the one I used to love so much, its not the loss of you I am mourning for,but it is the loss of respect and trust I used to had for you. This might mean so little to you now but I am worrying for you if you would regret this when it is already too late

ode to the precious past

A day of reminiscing...

Ya Allah, please give me the strength to let go what is not mine and please replace it with something even better.

Ameen ameen ameen

obsessed

I have found that my fragile heart somehow always yearns to be obsessed over something

Ya Allah, let your mercy be always the subject of my obsession. Ameen.

sarah the astronomer

Twinkle twinkle little stars. How captivating I found you are

so today i am back in my beloved (heh) mukah

went to school after isya' prayer (yes i am that committed and hardworking, hehe, jk) to look out for the new time table so I can plan what to teach tomorrow

then I went back home, walking (my home is just inside the school compound). 

and I did what ive always loved doing while walking back. I looked at the sky. (for your information, the stars here are splendid. i guess because there are no light pollution, no tall buildings, no haze whatsoever). 

You can actually see the star constellations (buruj) clearly. I swear i have seen the northern star/polaris/buruj pari a few times already (the only constellation i am sure about because I learned about in NZ and also because it happens to be the easiest to detect hehe). I also might have seen the buruj belantik but I cant be really sure (belajar time upsr beb. which is soo long ago). Once, I had even caught the sight of a falling star, it is that amazing and magical (well at least, to me)

So while I was walking alone and watching the mesmerizing stars, I had a thought "I should have worked as an astronomer, that would be super interesting"

Although it might sound ridiculous and unattainable, I cant help but wonder how different my life would be like if I had chosen a different path. 

But havent we all do that, at least once? Wishing u are somewhere else, other than where you are right now. Wishing u look differently, from how you looked right now. Wishing u made a different choice than what u have decided now. We do it all the time, conscious or unconsciously. We especially do it when we dont have or have little control over our current situation. 

That is what we call as escapism. Wishful thinking. Although its nice entertaining the thoughts (e.g wishing u are vacationing in switzerland than in your stuffy workplace), it wont get you anywhere unless you work for it. But not all wishes are workable, yes? Like me wishing to be an astronomer, I think it is a little too late. Like some medium height person wishing to be taller, I dont think he/she can achieve that without massive painful expensive operation.

So this is what I am going to propose to myself. Make my current situation my dream. My wish. Why not? It used to be one, before Ive been burned out. I used to fight for it like hell studying for my A levels and in university. I am sure there are lots of people out there fighting to be in my place, or at least get a decent job. 

And I believe that everything has its reason. Ada hikmah. And I believe every hardship and difficulties I am facing will be repay with goodness. As mentioned by the Prophet s.a.w:

“Sungguh ajaib dalam urusan orang mukmin. Sesungguhnya setiap urusan baginya ada kebaikan dan perkara ini tidak berlaku melainkan kepada orang mukmin. Sekiranya dia diberikan sesuatu yang menggembirakan lalu dia bersyukur, dan sekiranya apabila dia ditimpa kesusahan lalu dia bersabar. Maka kebaikan baginya” (Riwayat Muslim)

“How wonderful is the affair of the believer, for his affairs are all good, and this applies to no one but the believer. If something good happens to him, he is thankful for it and that is good for him. If something bad happens to him, he bears it with patience and that is good for him.” (Narrated by Muslim, 2999).

So chaiyo Sarah. You dont have to be an astronomer to be great. At least in Allah's eyes =)

yellow rain

these stupid tears of mine cant seem to stop falling
lately i am only having reasons to write in here for sad and negative stuffs
i cant help it. i can only write well when i am emotional be it super happy, super excited, super angry or super sad

and right now i am super sad. and super confuse

its not others. its me. if i am honest i have to admit it has always been me. its me who dont know what to do with my life. its me who cant seem to figure out what I really want. its me who dont yet know what can make me really happy.

being trapped is an option. not something i cannot run from. its a choice and maybe all this while i have been choosing to stay trapped. now that i see everyone flying away that I realize i can fly too. if i want. maybe all this while i have not been wanting it strong enough

i am becoming a lost soul. but it doesnt have to stay that way.

if only i know now what should i do

negative

I am becoming someone I dont like
Someone full of negativity
God help me
I dont like this me

The more I see it, I think one thing I can guarantee I am good at is running away from my problem
I do it with full tenacity and obsession I myself am impressed
If only I am that obsessed with solving my problems

Augustus, I'm hooked

"You dont get to choose if you get hurt in this world, but you do have some say in who hurts you" - John Green, The fault in our stars

hoping is bad news

Just as how quickly and easily I can get to the cloud 9, thats how fast I can fall back to the ground shattered and smashed..

Dear self,
What am I supposed to do with u?

miss moody

Feeling a little bit homesick. Ok. Not a little bit. But very. It must be the pms that are ruining my emotional stability.

Tak sabar nak pulang.


Ok bai

rambura rambu ramba

i had a field day of disappointment and anger today. Well, 'field day' is not really a good phrase to use since it suggests a day of joy but I guess being trapped in all this different feeling makes me wants to laugh at the irony of it all.

Wish list:

1. I wish I was a better teacher. The one who can explain a concept clearly and knowledgeably so that the students would be able to feel confident with me. Not like what happened during the class today. I feel bad, I am sorry dear kids
2. I wish I knew how to handle the Police Cadet better. I am sorry again dear cadets, I have unintendedly showed the weak side of me. I mean not having any experience handling extra-curricular activity is quite hard. At least those who did their Diploma of Education in Malaysia had some ideas on what to do. Me? When there was still a lottttt of time left after I have done everythingg that was on my agenda, I was stuck on what else to do. You see, quick thinking is something I have not mastered yet. I ended up asking the students to sew the batches on to their beret. Police Cadet= Sewing club? 
3. I wish I had more confidence in myself. I mean if I did what I have planned for my class today and not change my plan at the last minute and did what my colleague did with his class (just because I thought his material was better. I do think I suffer from inferiority complex) but end up struggling implementing the new lesson plan and messed it all up, I think I would not have feel this incompetent.
4. I wish people dont make faces after listening to their friend's advice (which was requested by themselves on the first place). It was hurtful. And totally immature

I guess they are not really a wish list. I mean wish lists are supposed to be wishing getting something you have not received yet and what I did was wishing that I could change something that had happened. Which I can't.

But well luckily most of them are something that I could work on, right? Like

1) I could be a better teacher. I will not waste my time wondering over what the students think of me. If they thought I was bad, well, I could always work to be better to change that perception of theirs

2) In the future I should always prepare a back up plan incase the activity that I have planned finish earlier than I thought. That, would save me from the embarassment of not knowing what to do with the extra time

3) I should have more confidence in myself. Do what I feel I am comfortable with instead of worrying that I got it all wrong and change my plan at the last minute. Which was stupid

4) I cant change people's attitude. but I cant help to feel hurt either. I guess I can always talk directly about how it is not really nice to give inappropriate response when they were the first one who asked for advice.

Haha this is me re-assuring myself again. Sorry if I seemed bipolar or having multiple personalities.
I am tired, I am missing my family and my friends and I am worrying about the ever increasing work loads. But I am learning to take it one step at a time and surviving it insyaAllah

Like I have read on the FB, dont say oh Allah I have a great problem, say hey problem, I have a great Allah!  Chaiyo everyone. Berusaha! ^_^

Nah, a tired smile fo ya from pompuan hidung gergasi ni. Haha. (eh tp bersyukur je tau ada hidung)